By 2047, hair will be as obsolete as fax machines and landlines, and as contraband as privacy. Once a symbol of beauty, virility, style and even rebellion, hair will be unshackled from the head and cast into the dustbin of history. The Global Committee for Aerodynamic Efficiency's (GCAE) declaration that hair is a drag marks the cultural rejection underway - or, soon will be. Studies, unverifiable till now, show that bald people moved 0.0003% faster through doors, especially revolving ones, prompting a worldwide follicle countdown in the name of productivity. Resolution 47-BALD, mandating universal cranial smoothness by 2047, is the result.

The beauty industry obviously needs to now pivot. L'Oreal, rebranded as 'L'Orbital', can consider selling scalp polish and titanium cranium decals. Influencers now flaunt their gleaming domes, bedazzled with LED mood indicators and sponsored QR codes. The phrase 'bad hair day' has already been replaced with 'faulty forehead day'. Of course, there will be underground hair speakeasies - dimly lit basements where rebels stroke contraband sideburns and whisper about conditioner. The law will be pressing hard on those strands. But for the rest of us, the future is slick, shiny and unencumbered by split ends. By 2047, your hair will no longer define you. Your scalp will. So, in 22 years, we shall all shine on.