The 35-year-old in Hai Phong married on Nov. 10. While his wife preferred a simple celebration, he saw it as an opportunity to “recover” money he had previously gifted friends and relatives at their weddings.
“Money is hard-earned, so getting it back is only fair,” he says.
Many traditional societies see cash gifts as a way to help someone celebrate an event, which made Vu’s expectation normal. Most guests gave more than what Vu had contributed at their weddings. But after checking the guest list, he noticed a few had failed to honor the compact, including one who attended but left no money.
Convinced the friend had eaten at the wedding despite that, he first sent a subtle reminder, then publicly posted online demanding “payment.”
“When I went to his wedding, I worked extra days just to afford the gift,” he wrote in the post. “Now he came to mine, shook my hand, congratulated me, but didn’t repay what I had given him.”
Shortly afterward, the friend transferred VND500,000 (US$19) to Vu. Though aware that his actions might damage the relationship, Vu says he feels justified.
“Money reflects both effort and the affection my friends have for me.”
Vu is anything but alone. On the evening of Nov. 12 another social media user posted a similar demand for wedding gift “repayments” four months after her wedding. She wrote that after reviewing her notebook, she noticed that many people she had gifted had not reciprocated, prompting her to post a reminder online.
The post drew tens of thousands of comments. Some argued that reciprocal giving is fair and helps couples cover wedding costs, while others criticized the poster as being too commercial.
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A woman in Hanoi prepares a monetary gift for her friend as repayment for the amount she previously received at her own wedding. Photo by Read/Quynh Nguyen |
Hoang Ha and her husband, both 35, of Nam Dinh Province, did not track individuals’ gifts, seeing them simply as an expression of goodwill from guests. Whether recipients of their gifts earlier returned the exact amount or nothing at all, was not important for them.
But she keeps a list of people who gave gifts, admitting “many people don’t share my approach.”
These diverging attitudes have fueled an online debate about the purpose and meaning of monetary gifts at weddings.
“Although the form has changed, the core purpose is still to send blessings,” he says.
Psychologist Trinh Trung Hoa says these conflicts stem from a clash between affection and fairness. People like Vu operate within a “fairness” and reciprocity framework, viewing wedding gifts as a type of social investment and unspoken contract, and when the expected return does not materialize, they feel taken advantage of, he explains.
“The desire to ‘recover funds’ is actually a desire for fairness.”
But others see wedding gifts as a voluntary expression of affection and are shocked when a gesture of “goodwill” is treated as a debt.
Vietnamese culture values subtlety, Hoa points out. No one explicitly says wedding gifts are debts, but no one says they are entirely without obligation either, he says.
“Demanding repayment breaks that subtlety, turning an unspoken custom into a crude financial transaction.”
This was the experience of Hong Tham, 30, of An Giang Province in the Mekong Delta. Eight years after her wedding she was surprised when a former classmate messaged her in June this year to claim the VND500,000 they had given her.
Tham had invited her entire class to her wedding because they were all close at the time. As life went on, they lost touch, but the classmate reconnected on Facebook and said they had married earlier in the year, and noted that Tham had not sent a gift while others had.
The classmate reminded her of the VND500,000 given at Tham’s wedding and “hoped it would be reciprocated.”
Tham transferred the money immediately and unfriended the person.
“Going to a wedding is voluntary. When did it become a ‘give-and-take’ affair, like a creditor chasing a debtor?” she asks.
Hoa says people should be clear in their own mind before giving. Each person should decide whether a wedding gift is a “social expense” to maintain relationships or a sincere blessing.
Rigidly adhering to a transactional mindset only creates pressure, he said. “When expectations [about a monetary gift] aren’t met, disappointment will damage the relationships.”
After her classmate’s reminder, Tham, once casual about it, keeps track of who gives her gifts so she can reciprocate.
“In today’s world I am naive,” she claims.
