After a breakup, it’s all too easy to fall into the same toxic cycles. Perhaps you left one emotionally unavailable or narcissistic ex, only to fall for another a few months later. If you don’t consciously take the time to heal, process, and break your patterns, you’re likely to repeat them — with new names and faces, but the same unresolved wounds.
In a recent Instagram postTodd Baratz, a therapist and content creator known on the app as @yourdiagnonsenseshared 10 steps to help you actually move on, instead of spiraling back into familiar dysfunction.
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When you spend a significant amount of time in a relationship with someone, and it abruptly ends, it’s almost inevitable that you will miss them to some degree. Even the most toxic relationships tend to look better after the fact. It’s OK to miss someone and still know they weren’t right for you. Just resist the urge to send a late-night “missing you” text.
“You can grieve and grow at the same time,” Baratz said. “One doesn’t cancel the other.”
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Don’t let rose-colored glasses disguise the reality. Our minds are basically movie editors when we’re heartbroken — cutting out all the painful parts and stitching together a beautiful highlight reel of “what could’ve been.” But nostalgia is a liar with a great aesthetic.
To move on, you have to remember the whole story, not just the good parts. Like that time they ghosted your birthday dinner or made you feel like asking for emotional support was too much. Tell yourself the truth, even when it’s difficult.
“Their limitations are not a reflection of your worth,” Baratz insisted. “You were always enough.”
Just because the relationship didn’t last doesn’t mean you’re broken, unworthy, or destined to be a cat parent forever (unless that’s your dream — no judgment). Their inability to show up for you says everything about them and nothing about your loveability. You’re not too much, too needy, or too intense. You were just with someone who couldn’t meet your needs.
Closure is often code for “I want them to give me peace,” but let’s be honest: that’s a tall order for someone who couldn’t give you consistency during the relationship. Waiting for them to explain themselves might keep you stuck in limbo, imagining conversations you’ll never have. Ultimately, closure is not something they give you — it’s something you must claim for yourself.
“What did I miss? Did I overreact? Should I have stayed silent? Would he have stayed if I had?” STOP! This cycle of overthinking will only prolong the pain, so you must interrupt it. Utilize grounding practices, go for a walk, and practice breathing exercises. Obsessing isn’t the same as processing.
“When your mind loops, come back to your body,” Baratz advised. “Breathe. Move. Ground. You don’t have to believe every thought.”
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“That ache you feel? It’s yours. It’s life force,” Baratz said. “Channel it into something that feeds you.” Pour that energy into friendships, creative work, solo adventures, or therapy. You may not be able to get rid of it entirely, but you can utilize it for good.
Unfortunately, there is no easy solution that makes all of the feelings that come with a breakup disappear. Anger, grief, shame, jealousy — it’s all natural, and bypassing those emotions with “positive vibes only” or pretending you’re fine when you’re not hurts you in the long run. Emotional avoidance doesn’t make you stronger; it just makes the healing slower.
Plus, ignoring these feelings makes it all the easier to fall into the same toxic patterns. As Baratz put it, “avoidance only guarantees repetition.”
If they used to make your coffee or dance with you in the kitchen, those little daily rituals may now feel like landmines of sadness. But you don’t have to abandon the things you love just because they once included someone else.
Reclaim your mornings. Make your own coffee just how you like it. Go on solo dates. Redecorate your space. Play the music that makes you feel like the main character. Rewriting your routines is how you start reminding yourself that this life still belongs to you, and you should enjoy it.
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Romantic love isn’t the only kind of deep connection worth nurturing. Lean into your friendships, family, and community. Don’t underestimate the healing power of a deep, platonic relationship. Emotional intimacy isn’t just about candlelit dinners and forehead kisses. It’s about feeling safe, understood, and loved.
“You don’t have to wait for a partner to feel alive,” Baratz stressed.
Healing isn’t a one-time event where you suddenly wake up feeling great and completely over the relationship. It’s a daily decision to return to yourself, even when it’s hard. It’s maintaining your boundaries now and in your next relationship. It’s self-care, and it’s imagining a future better than your past.
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Erika Ryan is a writer working on her bachelor’s degree in Journalism. She is based in Florida and covers relationships, psychology, self-help, and human interest topics.
