What exactly defines a single parent, particularly a single mother? According to one woman on Reddit, it has more to do with the involvement of the father rather than whether the parents are together or not. In fact, she is downright angry that her “martyr” cousin refers to herself as a single mom because her son’s dad is an active parent in his life. She went so far as to say that her cousin doesn’t meet the criteria for being a single mother because she technically wasn’t parenting completely alone.

A woman was upset because her cousin called herself a single mother when she was very much a co-parent.

A woman took to Reddit to ask if she was overreacting after correcting her cousin, who has on multiple occasions referred to herself as a single mom. “My cousin … loves to call herself a single mom warrior,” she explained. “I … am a mom too, but my partner is present.”

Although her cousin’s child’s father was not present in the same way as her partner, she felt like he was certainly involved enough to be notable. “Her baby’s dad pays child support, picks the kid up from school, takes him to appointments, but she says he’s ‘emotionally absent’ because he doesn’t post enough father-son pics,” she continued.

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“At a family lunch, she said, ‘Only real single moms get the struggle,’” the woman recounted. “I said, ‘But your kid’s dad is very much in the picture, though.’ She went silent. Later (she) said I was ‘invalidating her experience’ and that I ‘don’t understand trauma.’”

To make matters worse, their family members are taking sides. “Now my aunt and grandma say I should uplift women, not criticize,” she shared. “But I’m honestly over the martyr act being used as a social shield.”

Commenters were divided on the matter of what made someone a single parent.

The woman’s fellow Reddit users couldn’t come to a consensus on what exactly made someone a single parent, leading to some pretty heated discussions in the comments section. One person tried to keep things simple when they said, “If she’s single and a mom, she’s a single mom.” Later, they edited their comment to add, “If she’s no longer with the dad, and unmarried, she’s a single mom, and, yes, that would make a father a single dad as well in the same situation. You don’t have to be doing everything by yourself to be considered either/or.”

Another person disagreed, saying, “If not married, she’s a single PERSON, but not a single mom. (A) single mom is raising children alone. It doesn’t sound as though cousin is bearing full load of childcare.”

Yet another commenter shared her own experience as a single mom. She explained that her ex-husband lives two hours away and takes care of their son on the weekends. However, during the week, he is solely her responsibility. While her ex is still involved in parenting, she considers herself a single mother because of the load she bears. Similarly, she also considers her ex to be a single dad in his own right. “Being single, and being a parent, makes you a single parent,” she concluded.

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What really makes someone a single mom?

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If you look up the definition of a single mother, Merriam-Webster said it is “a mother who does not have a husband or partner.” By that definition, it seems simple enough — a single mom is a mom who is unpartnered. This woman’s cousin would certainly fit that description. In that sense, she is absolutely a single mom.

Trusted Divorce Serviceshowever, defines being a single parent in the same way this Reddit woman does. They wrote, “A single parent is one who is performing the majority of the parenting responsibilities alone. They are the only ones ensuring the kids are appropriately fed, attending their activities, and doing their homework. They are the only ones looking after the children’s mental, emotional, and social well-being.  The other parent is there sporadically, if at all. They don’t see the kids on a routine basis.” They went on to add, “Co-parenting is where you and the other parent live in two separate homes, but you are sharing the responsibility of raising your children. “

Writing for ScaryMommysingle mom Sa’iyda Shabazz begged to differ. She wrote, “To say that single moms with support aren’t real single moms because their ex pays them child support isn’t fair. Or those who have a custody agreement and get to be childfree for a few hours or a few days.” She went on to say, “A ‘real’ single mom is any mom who is parenting without a partner. A partner and a co-parent are two very different things. That’s why single moms get so upset when married moms try to claim single mom status. Because those women have partners, even if they aren’t always physically present. Single moms are just that — single.”

Perhaps the definition of single mom doesn’t so much matter as much as the fact that when a couple is not parenting under the same roof, it’s always harder. Instead of criticizing her cousin, this woman’s grandma was absolutely right; she should be uplifting her.

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Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.