Perhaps nobody knows better the dangers that can befall a child than a person who’s worked for child protective services. Caseworkers for these organizations see the worst of it all and are often a kid’s only line of defense. For one CPS worker, it’s had a huge impact on how she parents her own children.
The statistics on abuse, trauma, and neglect among children are truly staggering. According to the National Children’s AllianceU.S. child welfare workers look into the safety of some 7.5 million children every year. Of those, around 3 million kids ended up the subject of an investigation.
When it comes to sexual abuse specifically, the statistics are even more grim: 1 in 4 girls in the U.S. have been victimized, along with 1 in 13 boys. As a former CPS case worker, mom and content creator Mayeli Santa has seen it all, and as she shared in a video, it’s led her to ban nine key things from her home and her kids’ lives to keep them from being victimized.
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Santa said this is a “never” for her and her kids, and while that probably sounds extreme to many, it’s a common sentiment among parents these days. There are worries about everything from firearms to bullying and, in particular, abuse and assault, especially since advocacy groups like RAINN say a staggering 93% of victims under 18 are abused by someone they know.
“We do not believe in keeping secrets in our household,” Santa explained, “and we also don’t play the ‘let me tell you a secret game.'” Why? Because “that’s exactly what predators out there do, they tell your child, ‘hey, let’s keep this a secret.'” Playing secret games primes kids to accept this as normal.
Given her line of work, Santa knows all too much about “the dark side of unfiltered internet access,” as she put it. “(There are) a lot of predators out there who pretend to be children, and every day, they get on the internet with the goal to groom and exploit children,” she warned. That may sound hysterical, but I watched this happen to my niece while playing Roblox at age 8. It is terrifyingly real.
“Uncle, auntie, grandpa, cousin does not automatically mean safe,” Santa said. She explained that in the majority of the cases she worked on that involved child sexual assault, the perpetrator was a family member, and often a kid the victim’s own age. “Trust is earned, not assumed,” even with family, she said.
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It used to be standard procedure to be required to give a hug or kiss to a family member, but that practice has fallen out of favor with most of today’s parents for the same reasons Santa described. “I teach my children that their body is their choice,” she said. “My children know that they don’t have to greet anyone (physically) … even if they’re family, because we value body autonomy over titles over here.”
“And it better be properly installed,” Santa added, noting that a surprising number of parents and caregivers do not properly use car seats or place them in the wrong seats in the car. She explained that people frequently don’t understand that being a good driver is not enough, because other drivers often aren’t. “I have seen cases of children who were not properly strapped in their car seat … and the child was yeeted out of the car.”
“In my house, we encourage our children to speak up,” Santa said, stressing that she encourages her kids to identify and express any and all feelings they might be having. “We do a lot of talking, and we ask the kids a lot of questions about their day.” This is how kids learn the skills for self-soothing, self-regulation, and self-trust that so many of us were deprived of when we were kids.
This is surely a controversial one, but Santa said this ultimately comes down to the fact that different parents often have very different views on what constitutes “discipline.” For many, it ends up being abusive practices, whether verbal or physical ones. “I don’t outsource discipline to other people who do not share my values,” she said.
“I never ignore my gut feeling about anything that has to do with my kid,” Santa cautioned. “I have personally seen what happens when children aren’t heard, when they aren’t protected, and when they’re not believed.”
It’s worth noting that parents who trust their gut model this same skill for their children. Kids who are taught to honor, feel, and trust their feelings and emotions learn how to advocate for themselves, which means they’re less likely to be deceived or victimized in dangerous situations.
As Santa summed it up, “My job as a parent is to give my children a childhood they don’t have to heal from, not just be their friend.” These boundaries help do just that.
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John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.
