It’s crazy how partners can rub off on each other, inadvertently convinced into doing and living ‘their’ ways. I’m all for his rugged side — off roading adventures, camping & cargos — which I initially despised, for the lack of a less intense word. And somehow, he’s picked up my love for finer things & flowers. Today, we're both a little bit of each other.

I got married last year, and at first, I didn’t think we were compatible. Apparently, he didn’t check a lot of boxes for me. I don’t necessarily mean that I had a rigid check list, but I did have some personality traits in mind.

Almost a year into my marriage, I have a very underrated yet important relationship advice to give — When it comes to compatibility, you might be getting it all wrong. I’m not saying compatibility doesn’t count. But it’s not always served on a platter — you might have to create and curate it.

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“We aren’t compatible.”

As of the modern dating bible, the absence of compatibility is a sure-shot justified end to your potential ‘happily ever after’. Today, couples create a mental checklist and hope to find their ‘Mr. or Ms. Right’ based on their choice of food, interest areas, weekend plans, zodiac signs, etc.

But even if someone ticks all boxes, why does he/she still make us feel indifferent or anxious? Why have relationships become extremely hard to sustain? Why do we find ourselves constantly over-analysing interactions, terrified of settling, and feeling lonelier than ever?

Of course, I can’t answer all of this based on my experience. Experts in their fields, Couple Therapist, Sachin Mehla, along with Clinical Psychologist, Bhavya Kulshrestha, will unpack the complexities of new-age relationships, exploring how modern love’s obsession with ‘compatibility’ might actually be sabotaging the connections. They also suggest what can be done differently.

Bollywood made us believe that when we meet the right person, it will be an ‘instant spark’ and things will unfold ‘automatically’. From delivery to dating apps, the culture of instant gratification has further solidified the belief and anything that doesn’t follow this criteria is questioned.

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“But real relationships rarely work that way. Compatibility isn’t a magical moment or something that happens on its own, it’s something you build — slowly, imperfectly but beautifully” explains Sachin Mehla. He further adds, “We expect perfection, not participation. In the majority of cases, a relationship ends not because there was no love, but due to a lack of communication, vulnerability, and the willingness to repair when things go wrong.”

Adding to the above, Bhavya says, “Modern love comes with overwhelming pressure. With endless options at our fingertips, many live with a constant fear of choosing wrong — questioning every connection, every feeling. We swipe past potentially great partners because they don't perfectly match an idealised checklist, leading to what's sometimes called “choice paralysis.”

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In India, with the average age of marriage rising (around 29 for men and 27 for women, per Census 2021), this extended dating phase can amplify the pressure to find perfection quickly. “From a relationship standpoint, this focus on immediate assessment prevents the vulnerability and gradual exploration needed for a genuine connection,” she adds.

There’s a deeply ingrained belief that if you fight with your partner, it’s a sign you’re not meant to be together. Society often paints conflict as a red flag, something that should be avoided at all costs.

Sachin Mehla elaborates, “Conflict forms an integral part of any relationship. It is only through a conflict that your compatibility is truly tested and nurtured. It allows you to understand your partner, their emotional needs, values and boundaries. Healthy relationships aren't conflict-free; they involve learning to navigate conflict constructively, with respect and a willingness to repair. Seeing disagreements as dealbreakers often leads to prematurely ending relationships that had the potential to grow stronger through challenge.”

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Bhavya echoes his perspective: “In today’s culture of constant curation and instant gratification, we’ve been taught to fear conflict, equating it with failure. The media often presents relationships as seamless and effortless, which leads to a flawed understanding of love”.

“Many young couples expect perfection and, when conflict arises, they see it as a threat, not an opportunity for growth. In reality, healthy relationships are built on the ability to overcome disagreements with curiosity and understanding, not avoiding them altogether,” added Bhavya

Many of us are searching for a perfect partner, someone who fits our idealised checklist, often influenced by pop culture, peers or upbringing. Bhavya explains: “The myth of the perfect match is one of the greatest sources of dissatisfaction in relationships. With the rise of dating apps, people are overwhelmed by the endless options, each choice leaving us second-guessing: ‘Did I pick the wrong one?’ Constant exposure to “better” matches fosters grass-is-greener syndrome, where individuals struggle to commit, fearing they might settle too soon.

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According to Sachin, compatibility isn’t discovered, it’s developed. “It’s a function of two people who are emotionally aware, willing to grow, and safe to be vulnerable with each other. Love has never been about finding the perfect one, but building a perfect one! Relationships are about mutual growth, and it requires understanding and adapting to each other over time. Perfection is a trap. Real love is about embracing imperfections, both in ourselves and in our partners. It’s about accepting that no one will ever be perfect, but we can build a beautiful connection based on acceptance, respect, and understanding.”

This is what I was talking about. This is the mistake I could’ve made — Your ideal partner should mirror your interests, hobbies, personality and thought processes because the more alike you are, the more compatible you must be. But experts would tell you that comparing compatibility with sameness is one of the biggest traps.

“True compatibility isn’t about having identical personalities, it’s about emotional safety, and the ability to navigate life’s challenges together. The focus shouldn't be on finding a clone, but on mutual respect, curiosity about differences, and the ability to function as a team despite not being identical,” explains Sachin.

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Bhavya further offers insight into modern love’s influence on relationships: “In a society that places high value on ‘perfect alignment,’ differences are often misinterpreted as incompatibility. Psychologically, we might seek similarity because it feels comfortable and validating, but it doesn't necessarily equate to long-term satisfaction or growth. Relationships thrive on a blend of similarities and differences. Differences introduce new perspectives, challenge us, and keep the dynamic interesting.” I couldn’t have agreed more.

It wasn’t love at first sight, it wasn’t an instant YES (except his) and it wasn’t an easy choice. But he wore his words like a shining armour, each one landing exactly where he intended. “Any two people can make a relationship work if the intent is there. Checklists are a farce,” my now-husband had philosophized during our talking stage. I’m glad I believed him — and if you needed some relationship advice today, even the experts echo his sentiment.

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