In a time where love can feel like a swipe away—or a ghost away—finding something real can feel almost mythical. We scroll through dating apps, end up in situationships, get benched, breadcrumbed, and then left wondering if love is just not meant for us. In this modern mess, falling in love feels more like luck than something within our reach.

But what if it is? What if there’s a researched, almost recipe-like way to build closeness with someone—not through grand gestures, but through simple, thoughtful questions?

In 1997, psychologist Arthur Aron and his team developed a set of 36 questions designed to help two strangers fall in love. Not with magic or manipulation—but by creating space for vulnerability, honesty, and emotional intimacy . The idea resurfaced when a New York Times writer tried them with a friend—and they ended up together.


Here’s how it works: the 36 questions are divided into three sets, each one getting a little more personal than the last. The first set eases you in—asking about dreams, dinner guests, and light memories. The second set digs deeper, into values, fears, and defining moments. By the third set, you're revealing your most personal truths—the kind of things people don’t usually share on first dates.


The structure matters. It’s designed to mimic the way emotional closeness builds in real life—but compressed into one conversation. You start with curiosity, move into connection, and arrive at vulnerability.

And when the questions are done? You stare into each other’s eyes for four silent minutes. No words—just presence. Maybe love can't be manufactured. But it can be invited in. And sometimes, all it takes is a question.


Set 1

Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

Would you like to be famous? In what way?

Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

What could constitute a "perfect" day for you?

When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

Name three things you and your partner (the person you are dating) appear to have in common?

For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

Take 4 minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set 2

If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else what would you want to know?

Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?

What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

What do you value most in a friendship?

What is your most treasured memory?

What is your most terrible memory?

If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

What does friendship mean to you?

What roles do love and affection play in your life?

Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner (the person you are dating). Share a total of 5 items.

How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?

How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set 3

Make 3 true 'we' statements each. For instance "We are both in this room feeling..."

Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share..."

If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.

Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

Tell your partner something that you love about them already?

What if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? What haven’t you told them yet?

Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, as your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

If you want proof that falling in love can be studied, replicated, and maybe even guided, look no further. In her now-famous New York Times Modern Love essay, “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This,” writer Mandy Len Catron put the study to the test with a friend. They took turns answering all 36 questions, and something shifted.


Afterward, they followed an unofficial final step—four minutes of silent eye contact. It wasn’t part of the formal study, but it was powerful. “Two minutes is just enough to be terrified,” Mandy said. “Four really goes somewhere.”


So next time you go on a date, especially one that feels promising, try putting the small talk aside. Ask real questions. Share a little more than you usually would. Maybe even pull out the 36 and see where they take you.