An Indian writer is about to have a book published in Britain. The publishers there produce advance uncorrected proof copies of the book, and the writer requests that they send him two copies. They ask for his address, and the writer sends it: Mr Excited Writer, Flat 33, Kalidas Apartments, 47B Kobiguru Road, Kalampur, pin code, state, India, plus mobile number. And the usual courier instructions: near Manto Park and next to Typo Towers.

Shortly, Excited Writer (EW) receives an SMS from DHL with an AWB number, asking him to comply with KYC requirements. EW is confused. He is from a generation that used to receive books with the simple words 'Book Post' on the package. He calls up DHL and is connected to the KYC department. The person attending the call - KYC1 - informs EW that he needs to upload identity and address proof on the DHL website, a requirement from the customs department for foreign parcels. EW feels a flash of irritation but uploads his Aadhaar.

He then calls the KYC department again.

KYC2: Sorry sir, address is not matching the address on the AWB.

EW: But it's the same address!

KYC2: No sir, it says 47B Kobiguru Road, but AWB says Flat 33, Kalidas Apartments, 47B Kobiguru Road.

EW explains that the extra information is for the courier's convenience.

KYC2: Sorry, as per requirements, the address has to match 90%.

EW: But it is matching 90%.

KYC2: No sir... it has to match 90%. This is not 90%.

EW: Madam, please. You are not AI - you are there as a human being to use your common sense, no? Can you not see it is the same address?

KYC2: I can see what you are saying, sir, but this will not be accepted. Do you have anything that says Flat 33, Kalidas Apartments?

EW says the electricity bill might have that.

KYC2: Okay sir, please upload that as address proof along with your PAN card as ID proof.

When EW goes back to the website and chooses the PAN card option, he finds there's only one slot for uploading. KYC3 tells him he needs to make a single image containing the PAN card and the electricity bill, and upload it into that slot.

By now, EW is starting to resemble Inspector Clouseau's catatonically lunatic boss, Chief Inspector Dreyfus, in The Pink Panther movies. Controlling himself, he takes a photo of his PAN card and the top corner of the electricity bill, which shows the address starting with Flat 33. Carefully, he uploads this into the PAN card slot.

Next morning, the phone rings. EW sees it's the 022 DHL landline number.

KYC4: Good morning, Sir! You have uploaded your PAN card and a part of your electricity bill. We need to see the full bill.

EW's head and body explode and spread across the floor. Even as he tries to mop up the mess, he struggles to keep his voice calm.

EW: Madam. I am not receiving gold ingots or a combat drone. It is just two copies of a printed book. I have provided more than enough KYC proof.

KYC4: Sir, yes sir, but we need the whole bill.

EW wonders whether these operatives are trained to be robotic and perverse, whether they get bonuses for torturing customers, or whether they simply live under constant fear of supervisors, of customs officials, of the judges in The Trial, or of USAAF high command in Catch-22.

EW goes full Stockholm Syndrome.

EW: Ah yes... so what do you want me to do now?

KYC4: Sir, you have plenty of time before the shipment arrives. You can make a PDF with both documents fully visible and upload that.

EW makes like he's noting everything down. What KYC2/4 doesn't know is that earlier that day, he had sent instructions to London to do whatever they could to stop the shipment from reaching India - including using fighter jets to force down the DHL aircraft carrying the parcel.