It doesn’t matter what type of father I think I am. What matters is how my children absorb and interpret my actions. And there are certain things most fathers want their children to say about them when they grow up.
We raise our children as best we can, at least that’s what we think. But there might be a difference between what we transmit and what they receive and interpret. When I tried to think about what type of father I wanted to be, I realized that’s not the right question. Rather, the question I should have asked was “What kind of father would I want my children to remember?”
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We are all human beings, and we all make mistakes, and I want my children to grow up knowing that I’m always there for them, even when they make mistakes. I know that a day will come when my children will perform a stupid prank, and I will be mad at them, and I will not understand why. But first, I will always make sure they are okay and that they are safe and sound.
Then, I will stand by their side, even when I know they’re guilty, and it won’t matter that the complete south wall of his school is sprayed with graffiti. I will be there for them, no matter what. After this show of support, I will go back home with them and confiscate their phone, TV, and any other electronic device for a month, until the only thing they can play with is their pocket calculator. There’s nothing you can do — love hurts.
This support, psychotherapist Mary Jo Rapini said, is how kids learn to grow up confident and capable. She explained, “Kids who grow up with an involved dad exhibit greater confidence in exploration, an increased capacity for managing their emotions, and a greater likelihood of participating in pro-social activities.” She added, “Children who have good relationships with their fathers are less likely to behave disruptively or turn to violence.”
That’s why it’s so important to show them love and support even when they mess up, because that foundation of trust and support will curb further bad behavior. Rapini said, “A dad is an irreplaceable symbol of solidarity, independence, and confidence.”
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It’s easy for parents to get carried away and want our children to grow up and work in tech, accounting, or any other profession with a consistent and high salary. So what if they are bored all day long and play solitaire in the bathroom at work? At least they will be able to pay their mortgage and take a vacation abroad every year.
Unfortunately, that’s not always what’s best for our children, and unless they’re fans of office fluorescent lights, it might be better to give them time to find the real gift they can give the world. Maybe they want to paint. Maybe sing and dance. Or maybe they’d like to be a tour guide in Siberia.
We want our children to be free of chains, to feel that they can easily turn their dreams into reality. They say you only live once, so why not live properly? As long as they don’t put themselves in danger, it sounds like a fair deal. Our job as parents is to let our children grow and experience the different flavors of life, but at the same time, to also nag them to study and to have good grades.
Who knows? Maybe they’ll grow tired of their dream of becoming a poet and instead choose finance. That’s not really the point. The point is supporting them and celebrating their decisions and successes.
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One of our biggest concerns as fathers is the possibility of disappointing our children. I want my kids to grow up remembering that it has always been the right choice to depend on Dad’s word, and that whenever I had promised something, I always followed through.
It’s difficult because a parent can easily promise castles in the sky just to get a little quiet at 7:30 in the evening. You might regret it, but it’s better to keep a promise, even if the promise included enrolling your son in a capoeira class in which he will only end up taking one lesson, or going to the children’s festival with your daughter with earplugs.
Keeping your word with your kids when they are young teaches them how to respect you and lays the groundwork for a strong future relationship. Family Life Coach Belinda Letchford noted that keeping your word is all about “integrity,” especially when it comes to how kids perceive you. She explained, “When we keep our word, we establish our own character, which then impacts how our children see us. It is a confronting realisation that our children are forming an opinion about us with every engagement we have. They may not know it explicitly, but over time, they start to know when we mean what we say, and when we don’t – and not only will they act accordingly, they will also judge us accordingly, which affects our ongoing relationship.”
If you’re not sure that you’ll keep your promise, don’t promise. Take some time to think and tell them to “let you sleep on it,” even though a good night’s sleep isn’t something most parents remember having.
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It’s easy to get sucked into a routine of showers, laundry, paying bills, and the general daily tasks. Routine is important, as are boundaries, but our children will always want to break both. And that’s OK.
I want to raise children who will know that Dad’s word is as strong as a rock, but on the other hand, river water can pass between the rocks. Between all the rules and everyday boundaries, I will occasionally let them devour ice cream after they have brushed their teeth, and I will skip school with them to watch a movie in the theater, with a popcorn container as large as their heads.
Surprises do not have to be limited to birthdays. It’s the spontaneous experiences, the times we let the children have something even though they normally wouldn’t be allowed to. Those are the things that help our children realize that life is not black and white, and that they should experience all colors in between — because that’s life: unpredictable experiences, swimming in a sea of routine and boundaries.
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I want to raise children who will live with the knowledge that I was always willing to give them everything — whether it’s my time, the food in my mouth, or my life. I do it anyway without realizing it. I dedicate all my waking hours to them, from the moment I get home from work. They shower before I do, and eat before I do. Naturally, they’re the top priority, and that’s how they should feel. My children and I are not two different beings; they are the natural continuation of my life.
As part of psychologist Dr. Ely Weinschneider‘s series about “How extremely busy executives make time to be great parents,” Ben Wright, CEO of Velocity Global put it simply, “If you prioritize other aspects of your life instead of spending time with your children, they interpret your actions to mean those activities are more important. People who grew up feeling prioritized and loved find it easier to relate to and love those around them as adults.”
I want them to know that if, God forbid, a time comes when a choice must be made between me and them, the answer is clear and automatic: their lives first, whether they are four or 54.
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Avi Laviad is a writer, contributor to The Good Men Project, and blogger on his website, Hormonal Dad. He writes about parenthood, family, childbirth, pregnancy, and child-rearing.
