Dear Coleen

A very close friend of mine has a dream life from the outside – beautiful home, gorgeous kids and enough money not to have to worry. However, I know her husband is a total player and I’ve heard he messes around with other women. What’s even worse is that her tight group of mum friends know about his flings through their husbands, but haven’t said anything to her, they just talk about it behind her back.

I’m not so involved with this group of women, so I’m a bit removed from it all.

I’ve also known my friend a lot longer than they have – we met when we were young, before we got together with our partners and had kids.

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I feel as if I should be the one to give her a heads-up on her husband’s extra marital activities but I don’t want to hurt her. I really don’t know her husband well enough to say anything directly to him – he doesn’t socialise with her “old” friends – so it’s not an option.

I’d love some advice because I hate it that all these stories are flying around and she knows nothing about it.

Coleen says

Well, you have to wonder if she is aware, but doesn’t want to acknowledge it. As always with a situation like this, it might be a case of “shooting the messenger”, so bear that in mind. You might tell her and it nay rock her world, but they’ll come through it and you won’t be in the new world. It’s one of those Catch-22 things where you’ll be damned if you tell her and damned if you don’t!

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However, I think I’d feel compelled to tell a close friend, whatever the consequences might be for me personally, and I hope a good friend would tell me. But rather than presenting it as fact, why not approach it something like this: “I don’t know if any of this is true, but as your friend, I wanted you to know that people are talking about it”. Then it’s up to her what she does with that information. Maybe she’ll ask this group of friends or confront her husband directly.

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Just as an aside, I’m sure he loves his wife and his life, but he’s arrogant and gets a kick out of playing around. And, like most who cheat, he’ll be shocked when he’s caught out and shocked if his wife leaves him.

I think it’ll help you to decide if you ask yourself what you’d want if you were in your friend’s shoes. Would you want her to tell you?

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