There’s a routine question asked in job interviews, first dates, table games, and so on: What is the most important thing you look for in other people? There are variations on this format (i.e., “What’s the most attractive quality you look for in a potential partner?” Or “What’s your greatest strength?” And so on). But in general, the answer remains the same. It’s always the personality trait you hold above all.
When pressed, I’ve often stumbled and resorted to something trite and probably not true: honesty, humor, confidence, charisma, and so on. Those are fine answers, but they’re not, in my estimation, the correct ones. And so one day I sat down on my pleather couch, brewed some holy basil tea, queued up some Anderson Paak on Spotify, and really, truly tried to whittle down the essence of what makes truly admirable, special people exactly that.
Keep in mind, this isn’t your regular Joe. This is a person who can command a room and control their destiny, one who can be both altruistic and intelligent.
I analyzed people I looked up to, people I was attracted to, and people I just couldn’t dream of being without. And I found that the answer could never be just one thing, and that many of the things I think I admire are manifestations of other, deeper things I admire more. And so, I give them to you and make a case for each.
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This trait is the root of all growth, learning, and kindness. It’s the belief that you are not yet so great that your mind cannot be opened, and it’s the presence of mind to remember that we are all interconnected equals and that injustice against one is an injustice against all. It is, flatly, an absence of entitlement.
Don’t, however, make the incorrect assumption that a person who exhibits humility is a pushover. That’s by no means the case. In fact, research has shown that humility is a dominant trait found in some of the world’s most impactful leaders. A 2015 study published in the Journal of Management found that leaders who are humble are not only more effective and successful in business, but they also boast more productive teams.
People who exhibit humility let their work speak for itself. They remain stoic in the face of their own suffering, and they remind themselves — and others — that life is fragile and therefore valuable. Humility quells ignorance and cultivates grace. I want this for the people I hold dear.
Without curiosity, you cannot be enthralling or even engaging, nor, most rudimentary of all, successful. It is frankly impossible. Curiosity drives an insatiable quest for knowledge, culture, novelty, experience, beauty, art, and connection. It is the bedrock upon which you can build a life filled with stories, memories, accomplishments, and relationships.
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People who exhibit curiosity can become masters, polymaths, or auteurs, but they must always maintain an open mind. They first seek to listen, to absorb, to immerse, to traverse. In real-world applications, like a daily 9-to-5, curiosity can inspire, and in the best of circumstances, make work enjoyable. In “The Business Case for Curiosity,” Harvard Business School’s Francesca Gino wrote, “(C)uriosity allows leaders to gain more respect from their followers and inspires employees to develop more-trusting and more-collaborative relationships with colleagues.”
For the truly curious, the world is too large and their time on it too short to ever remain fully satisfied in their pursuit of whatever new ideas pass in front of them. I want people around me to remain curious, routinely examining the world through fresh eyes, and using their eyes to find fresh corners of the world.
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This trait is the miracle drug of humanity (and elephants and dolphins). It is the simplest, sweetest attribute one can possess, and the most worthwhile for social success.
Empathy brings people closer and makes others feel understood and less alone. And if there is one thing we’re all looking to become a little less of, it’s alone. When I see truly empathetic people, I see people who genuinely care, but also people who remind us that sometimes it’s okay to be still with someone else and not invade their space or encroach on their boundaries.
This unique ability allows you to understand the world through others’ eyes and cut to the heart of what others are feeling and experiencing. Empathy breeds compassion, connection, and love. It is an important precursor for honesty. It is the tie that binds us.
Helen Riess, MDauthor of the book “The Empathy Effect,” put it best: “All parties are equally enriched when we perceive and respond to each other with empathy and compassion,” she wrote. “After all, it’s the human bond that adds the music to the words in life.”
This is no mere accident. In fact, when you stack humility, curiosity, and empathy, you can easily see how they amplify each other. Humility is the soul. Curiosity is the mind. Empathy is the heart.
Humility is how you value yourself. Curiosity is how you value others. Empathy is how you value the bonds between yourself and others. Humility is the soil of knowledge. Curiosity is the water that helps it grow. Empathy is the sunlight that shows us which way to bend.
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And if you take any two without the third, you’re missing a crucial component: Humble, curious, apathetic people are slothful. Humble, disaffected, empathetic people are sensitive but not very interesting. Brash, curious, empathetic people are exhausting.
But when you bring them all together, you create a benevolent triad.
These three personality traits are the key to becoming warm, smart, and memorable. They’re irrepressible and irresistible. They’re my favorite qualities in others: the most attractive, the strongest, the most admirable. And whether I’m hiring them, dating them, or learning from them, these are the qualities I look for above all others.
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John Gorman is an essayist and storyteller on life, liberty, and the battle for happiness. Follow him on Instagram.
