One of the things that’s key to a marriage working is trust, but there’s more to trust than the absence of betrayal. It’s not just about not cheating or walking out, it’s also about knowing that your partner has your back, is in your corner, and will put you first.
That includes when a partner is embroiled in conflict with the in-laws through no fault of their own. But as a bride-to-be on Reddit is experiencing, all too many people choose to side with their family in order to keep the peace over supporting their partner.
This woman’s situation will be instantly recognizable to many. “I’m engaged to a man I love deeply,” the woman wrote in her Reddit post. “Everything has been smooth between us except when it comes to his sister, ‘L.’ From the start, L has made it very clear she doesn’t like me.”
Throughout their relationship, L has employed subtle digs to make sure the bride-to-be knows her place. “She never says anything directly cruel, but always finds a way to make me feel small,” she wrote. “Comments like ‘You’re not family yet’ or ‘Wow he’s never dated someone like you before’ all with a sweet little smile.”
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She’s done her best to keep the peace and has never responded rudely or combatively. “I usually just smile and change the subject,” she said. But recently, her future sister-in-law crossed the line, and the burden of fixing it has been placed on her shoulders.
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Things came to a head during a recent family dinner in which her future sister-in-law accused her of being an opportunist who doesn’t truly love her fiancé. “She said something about me ‘marrying into money’ and how I should ‘be grateful.'”
That’s an ugly accusation and totally inappropriate under any circumstances, obviously, and the Redditor would have been well within her rights to tell her future sister-in-law off. Instead, she “calmly said I didn’t think that was appropriate” and left it at that.
But later, her fiancé put the onus on her to clear the air. “My fiancé told me: ‘I know she’s out of line, but could you just apologize to keep the peace? She’s sensitive.'” Understandably, she was left stunned. “I told him I felt hurt not just by her, but by him asking me to apologize when I’ve done nothing wrong.”
She’s now in a situation where she feels pressured to “keep swallowing my pride just to keep other people comfortable” and assuage her fiancé’s fears of drama during the wedding. And she’s deeply hurt that her fiancé won’t come to her defense.
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The blunt, tough-love answer here is simple: If this man is this averse to putting his family in place, he isn’t ready to be married. Period. Conflict is inherent to every family, every marriage, and every in-law relationship. If you can’t navigate something as clear-cut inappropriate as this? You’re in trouble.
More importantly, it’s also incredibly manipulative. His sister can’t be too “sensitive” if she’s this comfortable being cruel and crass, and it is a fundamental violation of trust that he has put this on her shoulders. It’s an inappropriate expectation. It should not seem reasonable to you that your future wife simply put up with being mistreated for any reason, let alone because you don’t have the courage to stand up to your family.
This is likely all to the “family systems” theory in psychology, which posits that every family has a systematized set of roles for each family member that keep the family operating at the status quo and are rigidly enforced. The fiancé’s job is obviously to be the family peacekeeper. Deviating from that job will surely cause turmoil, and, as so often happens in families, both he and the victim would be blamed for causing drama, not the person lashing out.
It’s toxic and inappropriate, but most families are on some level. But when you choose to marry and bring someone else into your family, it is your duty to take care of them and shield them from your family’s abusive impulses. Not doing so is a violation of trust. Is it any wonder, then, that conflict with in-laws is highly cor with divorce?
Asking her to apologize to keep the peace is not just inappropriate, it is cowardly. And it is also a major, glowing red flag. As one commenter put it, “that IS who he is. Don’t kid yourself.” Because these conflicts are only going to get harder once they’ve actually walked down the aisle, and he clearly isn’t up to managing them. Tread carefully.
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John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.
