A mom admitted that she’s crushed because her daughter has really become attached to her nanny, which most people would see as a good problem to have. Posting her dilemma to Reddit, she claimed that her 4-year-old daughter becomes quite upset when her nanny leaves, and the little girl’s reaction has her feeling bad about her own relationship with her daughter.

A mom is feeling hurt because her daughter cries when the nanny leaves.

In her Reddit post, the sad mom explained that her daughter never has the same reception when she comes and goes, and, well, it stings. Every day, she said her daughter runs to the nanny for a big hug, and when it’s time for her to leave, she’ll start crying. 

“When I walk through the door? She barely looks up,” she admitted. “I tell myself it’s fine, that she’s attached because nanny is safe, consistent. That it means we choose the right person. But deep down, it hurts.” She went on to write, “I gave birth to her. I work to give her a good life. I wake up early, stay up late. But I still feels like I’m not the mother she runs to.”

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The mom’s feelings are valid, but her daughter’s behavior is totally normal and not indicative of who she loves more.

It’s understandable that she would feel hurt by what seems to be her daughter’s preference for her nanny over her actual mother. However, considering the 4-year-old is around her caregiver for hours at a time, it’s natural that they would form a bond. It doesn’t mean that her daughter loves the nanny more, however.

As one commenter noted, “This is a normal phase, especially when the nanny is the primary caregiver early on. But kids naturally gravitate back to their parents as they grow. With time, love, and presence, that bond will deepen again, you’re doing just fine.”

On top of that, she’s only 4. Eventually, she’ll stop going to her nanny, and she’ll be both older and more independent. It’s likely that she’ll start showing love for her mom in different ways. Children usually express their appreciation for people who are around them all the time, but it’ll never diminish the bond they have with their parents. 

Another commenter noted that working parents sometimes need to make an extra effort with their little ones for the simple fact that they aren’t around as much as difficult as it is to hear. They wrote, “Coming from a place of honesty, not judgement: do you focus on her when you come home? Do you play at her level, patiently, without distraction? Do you listen? This is even more important for a working parent.”

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Kids often go through phases of favoritism with the adults in their lives.

It can be hard for parents to feel like their child is rejecting them when they seemingly show more love for other caregivers in their lives. Most of the time, however, it’s just a phase. 

A New York-based psychologist, Dr. Alexandra Stratyner, explained that it’s normal for kids to feel an intense bond with their nannies or babysitters. “When a caregiver is around regularly, and if the parent is tending to demanding tasks, the child may trust that person. It can also be developmentally normal — kids are naturally drawn to new or warm attachments, and such attachment transformations are rarely permanent, instead a sign of a child’s normal social growth.”

However, for parents who want to feel closer to their kids while having full-time caregivers, Stratyner recommends devoting time to them. Activities such as sitting down for a meal together, engaging in play, or reading them a story before bed every night can all help strengthen the emotional parent-child bond.

“This assures the child that both adults care about them. Parents can also watch how the child communicates with the other caregiver and ask engaging questions. This shows their parents value their happiness and respect all of their other interactions.”

What’s important to remember is that this mom, even though her feelings are hurt, made an amazing choice for her daughter by picking a great caregiver. She might feel even worse if her daughter cried every time the nanny arrived because they simply didn’t get along.

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Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.