We know building IKEA furniture is a pretty good litmus test for how you’ll handle challenges in a relationship, but according to a psychologist, it’s also a good way to attract a high-quality partner.
Ask any woman, and she’ll tell you there are just way too many dating rules nowadays. How many of you have heard that you’re not supposed to text back immediately, or that you need to act uninterested so that a man will want to chase you? Psychologist Gurit Birnbaum insisted that all of this is useless if a woman doesn’t have the self-assuredness and self-confidence to attract a high-value partner. It’s why she’s introducing the “IKEA effect,” and explained that women should look at themselves like Ikea furniture if they want to attract the right kind of men.
“Being instantly and completely available can be read as desperation or a lack of options, which can be a turn-off. At the same time, if playing ‘cool’ comes across as being completely disinterested, it will likely kill the attraction. Nobody wants to chase a lost cause or face the sting of rejection,” Birnbaum wrote for Psychology Today.
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She explained that playing hard to get can increase how desirable men find women, but it’s only under one condition. The other person must feel that their efforts will likely lead to success. If you’re playing hard to get to the extreme and the other person thinks you’re truly disinterested, it just won’t work.
However, on the flip side, being too eager can be perceived as a turn-off. Birnbaum insisted that the key to playing hard to get is showing that you’re in high demand but still within reach. She called this the “IKEA effect.” It’s the same when you’re putting effort into assembling a piece of furniture. You come to appreciate that piece of furniture more than one you bought pre-made.
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“What works with furniture works on the dating scene. When a potential partner invests effort, time, and thought into winning you over, their perceived value of the connection with you increases. They become more invested,” she continued.
However, this strategy doesn’t work for everyone. Birnbaum pointed out that research has shown men are more likely to pursue hard-to-get women. People who have an anxious attachment style and fear abandonment but also crave reassurance can find themselves drawn to the pursuit as well.
It doesn’t have to be a game when you play hard to get. Birnbaum described it as a “strategic attunement,” where the goal isn’t to be manipulative but to build a connection gradually. You can show interest in someone without overwhelming them by oversharing details of your life, and you can create a sense of anticipation and a desire for the other person to learn more about you without coming off as cold and standoffish.
“It’s the difference between a thoughtful, delayed text that shows you have a busy life but are making time for someone who sparks your interest and a three-day silence that screams disinterest,” she added. “Ultimately, the most effective strategy is to demonstrate your value while clearly signaling your interest: You’re a great catch, but you’re a catch that they have a real shot at.”
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It takes effort, consideration, and an understanding that in the end, you’ll have something that is high-value and will last a lifetime. That’s why this analogy works so well. You can’t expect to attract someone who understands how amazing you are if you don’t know your worth. You are worth the effort. You are worth a man getting to know you. You are worth a man treating you with respect and care. You are worth being appreciated.
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If you start approaching dating with that level of self-assuredness, then you won’t even have to play a little hard to get because you’ll have so many prospective suitors you won’t have time for them all.
This is all about a mindset shift. You are that beautiful bookcase. Don’t let a man treat you like a discount floor model.
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Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
