New Delhi: They say love is blind, but for some it’s in the forms of patterns, repeated challenges, and predictable lifestyle. Despite heartbreak, betrayal or emotional unavailability, people find it difficult to get out of the same cycle. It may have been a familiar cycle of people getting back to the relationship, which has been emotionally unavailable, controlling, narcissistic, outright toxic or at times cheating too. Why this happens might be a question for many. Why smart, self-controlled, happy and career-oriented people who know what is better and not still end up choosing the wrong path and get back with those who hurt?

It’s a question that plagues not just those living it, but also their friends, therapists, and late-night Google searches. The answers, however, aren’t as simple as “bad luck” or “low standards.” According to psychologists and relationship experts, there are often deep psychological patterns at play, rooted in childhood experiences, attachment styles, and unconscious beliefs about love and self-worth.

Why do people tend to go back into a toxic relationship?

Dark bandakarSenior Psychologist, Helpline, Mpower Aditya Birla Education Trust, shares that, “Most of the calls we get at Mpower Helpline are from people stuck in relationships where they were treated poorly, their partner was dishonest, and broke their trust.”

People do not choose toxic partners consciously; they often do it because of their past experiences. There are psychological reasons behind these choices.

1. Familiarity: If someone grew up in a home where love was shown with shouting one day and affection the next, they might start thinking that’s what love is supposed to be—and later fall for the person whose love is unpredictable, painful, or demanding.
   For example, someone whose parents are stoic will get drawn to a person who shows detachment
2. Self-Worth: People who believe they are not good for relationships often may continue to be in the wrong relationships, thinking they won’t ever get a better person or be worthy of someone better.
   For example, some people stay in stressful relationships, as it feels better than ending alone.
3. Hope: People often stay hoping the partner will change after some time, especially if the toxic person shows moments of gentleness or remorse over bad treatment. The partner keeps saying “I’ll change,” and people choose to believe them.
4. Emotional Patterns: People find it hard to break up because the good moments feel wonderful, even though the bad moments keep hurting.
   Example, you feel happy when getting sweet messages sometimes, then no calls or messages for days leave you confused, but feel great when another message is received.
5. Late Realisation: Many recognise the warning signs of toxic relationships too late, or mistake bad behaviour for passion, consideration, or love.

The start of a toxic relationship could be full of charm and intense affection, which turns damaging later. People hold onto the belief that the ‘old’ loving side will return. It is like wanting back ‘perfect moments’ which won’t come back.

How can one get out of toxic relationship?

While there can be a lot of patterns that begin to repeat on a daily basis, and not just love, but signs can be even more affectionate. However, understanding these patterns can be a good start, but one should not ignore the red flags and repeated patterns of misbehaviour. The cycle of toxic relationships does not need to continue. With reflection, support, and therapy, it is possible to be in healthy relationships and let go of hurtful ones, with time and effort on oneself.

Questions to be asked for self-realisation

Self-reflection questions for recognising the pattern:

1. Are you tolerating behaviours which hurt you now, only because it was ‘normal’ for you in the past?
2. Am I falling for the person for their everyday self, or only for the loving times?
3. Have you defended uncomfortable behaviours, labelling them as love or care?
4. Can you express your needs, say no without fear? How do both of you handle discomfort or conflicts?
5. Have you noticed the same pattern in different relationships?