Delicious meaty words like sausage and burger are to be banned by meddling European Parliamentarians for use on vegetarian products over fears it confuses people. Instead, shoppers are to be nudged towards appetite-killing alternatives like "Cajun-spiced protein disc" or "glutenous mushroom tube". Despite Brexit (remember that?) British firms will have to fall in line too if they want to export. The move has prompted a rare double thumbs down from renowned veggie Paul McCartney. The Beatles legend has backed eight MPs who have written to the European Commission, warning that the ban tries to fix "a problem that does not exist".
"To stipulate that burgers and sausages are 'plant-based', 'vegetarian' or 'vegan' should be enough for sensible people to understand what they are eating. This also encourages attitudes which are essential to our health and that of the planet," said Macca, whose late wife Linda launched a best-selling chain of meat-free alternatives in 1991, long before it became mainstream.
Backing the ban is the German chancellor Friedrich Merz, who said recently: "A sausage is a sausage. Sausage is not vegan."
Au contraire Herr Merz, if a hotdog is a sausage, and a 'Toad' in the Hole is a sausage, but a sausage dog or is a sausage cushion is not, then perhaps the question isn't "Can a vegan sausage be a sausage?" so much as "When does a sausage stop or start being a sausage?" Anyway, if there is such a thing as a vegan sausage, what is the Wurst that can happen? (Boom boom!)

In all those decades, do busybody Eurocrats seriously think millions of us have been bumbling about ordering the wrong thing? Do they think we're incapable of grasping the ambiguity of language, or must every product now be described with legalistic, soul-trampling precision?
A packet of gummy bears would need a EU approved disclaimer, along the lines: "This product does not contain gums or bears. This product may contain shellfish, milk, cheese, nuts or any other allergen known or as yet unknown to humankind. If you have an allergic reaction after consuming this product, it is definitely not our fault. Enjoy!"
Or cottage pie: "This pie is not made from cottages."
And spotted dick... surely even Brussels would agree it's safe enough not to spell that one out.