Deciding who you should allow into your life can feel daunting. That’s where the “unfinished room theory” can help. Even when you know someone is bad for you, actually doing something about it can feel incredibly difficult. Many are people-pleasers who don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings by excluding them, even if they aren’t good for them. Others aren’t afraid to cut people off when they know they’re bad news.
Wherever you fall on the spectrum, there’s a good chance that you’ve wondered whether someone deserves to be in your life before. And, most likely, you let them stay because you didn’t know what else to do.
A TikToker named Russ, known as Big Brother Russ, who regularly shares the kind of advice you would expect to come from a big brother on the app, explained that the unfinished room theory has completely changed his perspective. “Everybody that you allow into your life builds a room in your house,” he said. “Some people come in, they decorate it, it’s beautiful. AKA, they treat you how you deserve to be treated.”
Of course, not everyone takes the time and care to make your life’s house beautiful. “Some come into your house and rearrange things,” he continued. “They mess things up. AKA, they take away from your peace of mind.” People like that are a little bit easier to identify as not being the kind of people you want in your life.
Then, there’s a third group of people who work in your house. “Some come into your life or your house, and they leave mid-renovation. AKA, they were temporary,” he shared. “They came into your life, and they just left out of the blue.” If you think about a real house that’s being worked on, you wouldn’t want to just leave it as it is in the middle of a renovation. Those conditions aren’t livable.
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“One thing that you gotta remember is this is your house, your life,” Russ warned. “Who you allow into your house, who you allow to make a room in your house, affects how you trust, how you love, and overall your peace of mind. Don’t just let anybody into your home.”
If you were designing a real house, you’d probably make every decision with care. You would want the place to look great and reflect who you are. You wouldn’t just let anyone come in and tell you how it was going to look and start tearing down walls in the process.
That’s how you’ve got to think of your life. There’s nothing wrong with letting people in. In fact, it’s a good thing. You just have to make sure they’re the right people.
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Relationship therapist Barrie Sueskind said you can tell a relationship is toxic if “you’re always giving and they’re always taking, or you feel like their emotional stability depends on you.” She added, “Healthy relationships involve give and take.” In other words, there are compromises on both sides. It’s not all up to one person to make it work.
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It’s a good rule of thumb to keep in mind that someone who feels like they’re always draining you, your energy, or your resources without actually doing anything for you in return does not belong in your house or deserve to be in your life. Relationships like that just aren’t sustainable. Once that person gets what they want, they’ll be gone, leaving their room unfinished. You deserve better than that.
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Mary-Faith Martinez is a writer with a bachelor’s degree in English and Journalism who covers news, psychology, lifestyle, and human interest topics.
