The concept of yearning is unintentionally setting standards for Gen Z’s relationships, both for better and for worse. While some may feel drawn to a partner who yearns, it can also make them overlook some unhealthy behaviors.
Emily Conway, the CEO and Creative Director of Dragon Toys, explained to Vice, “Dating apps feel draining, emotional burnout is baked into daily life, and instant access has flattened desire into something functional rather than thrilling. Against all of that, longing feels intoxicating.” However, it’s important to recognize the difference between having high standards and having ones that are unrealistic and damaging.
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Yearning is emotionally powerful because it’s centered in imagination. Fantasizing about what could be is often far better than experiencing reality, which can sometimes bring disappointment and frustration. Romanticizing yearners reinforces that desire is the most meaningful state, and actually obtaining what you want becomes a bit anticlimactic.
In the real world, this sets a standard where reaching a resolution feels like failure. People prefer to stay stuck in their crushes and daydreams because getting closure would end the emotional excitement. Wanting also feels safer than having, and some would rather avoid being vulnerable and risking a letdown.
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When yearning is romanticized, value is placed on emotional struggle. It proves to others that you’re sensitive and complex, and it almost becomes like a rite of passage. For self-aware Gen Z, it raises one question: if you’re not hurting, are you truly feeling?
The problem is that positive emotions aren’t treated the same. Being emotionally stable or feeling happy can feel boring. Some may cling to their unhappiness or longing because it’s validating, even when allowing themselves to suffer isn’t necessary or productive.
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We know that Gen Z feels things deeply (and is more encouraged to talk about those feelings than other generations), and the yearner archetype creates an expectation of constant intensity. If emotions aren’t big and complex, they don’t feel as authentic.
This can lead to a subconscious need to constantly amplify your own emotions and those of others. Replaying moments and starting drama feel necessary to maintain the emotional stakes, simply for the sake of fabricating “romantic” moments.
Sofie Roos, a relationship therapist, told SheKnows, “Young girls also need to know how to spot creepy behaviour disguised as love, where one common red flag is a high intensity, often at the cost of you offering your integrity, this while good love is built slowly and steadily at the pace both of you feel comfortable with.”
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Yearning often requires some level of distance, whether physical or psychological. When that longing is romanticized, unavailability feels mysterious and alluring. In Gen Z dating culture, this normalizes chasing people who can’t or won’t be present in a relationship.
Inconsistency is mistaken as a “slow burn,” when it should be interpreted as a red flag. The standard shifts to favor someone who doesn’t fully show up over someone who is ready and emotionally available.
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A yearner prioritizes their person above all others, and sometimes even above themselves. They minimize their own needs while they spend their time waiting and hoping for love. Self-denial is considered noble when yearning is romanticized.
For Gen Z, this can be a bit of a contradiction. Setting boundaries and prioritizing self-care are highly encouraged, but those seeking the romantic ideal will often choose the “poetic nature” of enduring silently.
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Kayla Asbach is a writer currently working on her bachelor’s degree at the University of Central Florida. She covers relationships, psychology, self-help, pop culture, and human interest topics.
