Americans - bless their statistical blind spots - have discovered a genius travel deterrent: declare London a dangerous war zone. Never mind the Thames, museums, pubs, shows and general gambolling along spots seen in Notting Hill and Love Actually - apparently, the British capital is one scimitar fight away from becoming a teeming crime'n'gangland. Why is this a brilliant strategy? Why spend billions on border walls when you can outsource paranoia to the land of ICE and MAGA? Just whisper 'Sharia law' and suddenly Karen from Ohio cancels her trip to get a selfie from the Buckingham P gates, sparing London, where Sadiq Khan (no relation to Zohran Mamdani) has been mayor since 2016, the indignity of hosting her cargo shorts.

Meanwhile, the numbers stubbornly refuse to cooperate with the narrative. London's homicide rate is lower than New York's, Chicago's and LA's. Statistically, Hyde Park is less lethal than a Chicago hot dog stand. Yet, perception trumps reality. So, perhaps London should lean into this PR nightmare. Replace 'Mind the Gap' signs with 'Mind the Gulf'. Rename tube stations after woke icons. Loaded tourists from middle America will stay away, locals will enjoy shorter queues at the local Pret, and the city will achieve the impossible: peace through exaggerated menace. In fact, other European cities can follow suit.