We have looked everywhere for an alternative, but none exists.

England simply have no choice but to face Mexico in their World Cup Round of 16 clash at the Azteca Stadium. There’s no escaping it.

And in that crucial match, someone must line up at right-back. Realistically, England will probably need two players to share the role during the game, given the testing conditions at the Iconic Azteca Stadium — not only because of its high altitude but also due to Mexico’s intimidating record there (admittedly achieved against some fairly modest opposition, but still). It’s become the ultimate small-talk topic among casual football fans, whether at work or the school gates.

So, what choices does Thomas Tuchel actually have for England’s increasingly problematic right-back position?

We count six possible options. None of them fill us with much confidence, but here they are nonetheless.

Through little fault of his own, Trevoh Chalobah has found himself near the top of England’s unofficial World Cup scapegoat list thanks to Thomas Tuchel’s increasingly baffling decision to use him — a centre-back — as a replacement for the injured right-back Tino Livramento.

It’s such a strange call that it’s made everyone completely forget about Trent Alexander-Arnold’s defensive lapses. The move has also put Tuchel himself high up the blame rankings, sitting just behind Jude Bellingham and Djed Spence, and just ahead of Danny Murphy’s cat.

But here we are. Chalobah has occasionally played at right-back, as many centre-backs do at some point. He started one Premier League match there for Chelsea last season but was quietly shifted back to centre-back at half-time with the Blues already 2–0 down to Leeds. Probably not the best path to take — but given Tuchel’s previous decisions, who can say?

Chalobah was fit enough to be listed among the substitutes against DR Congo but not fit enough to actually change into his kit. That seemed less about physical incapacity and more about Tuchel’s lack of intent to use him. Hardly reassuring.

If he is fit and selected this time, he becomes a candidate. But it doesn’t inspire confidence when you’re not even the first choice in the category of ‘centre-back whose name sounds a bit like Quansah and could probably fill in at right-back’.

We now reach the portion of this rather gloomy list we might call ‘Well, It’s Not Ideal, But We Suppose We Don’t Actively Hate It’. Not the catchiest title, admittedly.

The main reason we don’t hate this option is actually troubling in itself: Ezri Konsa’s form at centre-back during this tournament has been worryingly shaky for a player once rated highly on the ‘Won’t Let You Down’ scale. The usual concerns about disrupting the backline by moving a starting centre-back to full-back don’t really apply here.

Konsa has played right-back for Tuchel’s England before and performed adequately — and “adequate” is about as high as expectations can reasonably go right now.

We genuinely have time and sympathy for Djed Spence. As with Aaron Wan-Bissaka before him, we maintain that it’s surely easier to teach a solid defender to cross than to teach a good crosser to defend.

Spence is strong in the more challenging part of his job, and his electric pace should, in theory, be a huge advantage both offensively and defensively.

Yes, he was partly at fault for the goal conceded against DR Congo, but he was no higher than fourth or fifth on that list. He otherwise defended competently — something that couldn’t be said for most of England’s backline that night.

However, there’s a reason Tuchel spends whichever half Spence is on his side of the pitch shouting instructions at him nonstop. It appears to be more a mindset issue than a technical one. Spence’s attacking contribution is constantly blunted by an overly cautious approach.

If we had a coin for every time Noni Madueke cut inside onto his left foot, passed back to Spence, who then took a couple of touches before returning the ball backwards to Elliot Anderson, we’d have enough change to buy a 1997 Freddo bar. It happened a lot.

Spence is a professional footballer — surely, it’s worth trying a cross once in a while.

He’s never going to be Trent Alexander-Arnold, for better or worse, but with a little more willingness to overlap, make a forward run, or simply occupy defenders, he could easily become a more effective player.

That’s why Tuchel yells. Among all of England’s players in North America this summer, Spence stands out most for making the simple things look difficult.

Declan Rice, we’re sorry — and even sorrier for your hamstrings — but England might need you to spend an hour racing up and down the right flank at Azteca altitude. Hopefully, it’ll be fine.

There’s something darkly amusing about Tuchel’s effort to avoid the classic England tournament mistake — cramming all the best players into one side — ending with him potentially doing exactly that.

Rice at right-back is the closest England have to Alexander-Arnold in their current setup. The team actually looked far more dynamic in attack when Rice filled in there out of necessity during the desperate final minutes against DR Congo.

It’s undeniably a risky, makeshift option, but it does create some tactical benefits. Jude Bellingham moving into a deeper midfield position, as he did so effectively in Rice’s absence against Panama, could be a real asset.

From there, Bellingham can time his runs late into the box, making him harder to mark and potentially even more dangerous. It also allows his natural leadership and attacking instincts to shine.

The biggest concern, though, is the toll it could take on Rice. An hour in that role at Azteca altitude might finally push him past his physical limits. But that’s a problem only if England win — quarter-final worries against Brazil or, as we might call them, the Democratic Republic of Erling Haaland, can wait for another day.

As for Tuchel’s claim that “nobody could have predicted Reece James getting injured,” that was surely the manager having a bit of fun — a tongue-in-cheek nod to the old Onion headline about something incredibly predictable happening again.

The alternative — that Tuchel genuinely believed relying solely on Reece James as the only specialist right-back for a tournament with five matches in 19 days was a sound plan — is too ridiculous to consider.

Still, if we’re making this list (and clearly, we are), then it must be said: if and when James miraculously returns to full fitness, we’d love him to be the starting right-back again — and to actually play like Reece James, not whatever that was against Ghana.