“In this house, my wife is the CEO and I’m just the staff,” someone joked. Although Hung initially laughed along, the remark stayed with him. He gradually began avoiding social gatherings, withdrawing from those around him and lying awake at night, lost in thought.

Hung earns VND17 million (US$670) a month. His wife runs a thriving online cosmetics business, bringing in VND40-50 million. She handles the household finances and decides major expenses, from buying a car to home renovations and investments. At first, Hung found the arrangement practical, but over time, he felt he was losing his say.

The breaking point came when he needed a new laptop for work. Hesitant to ask, he brought it up casually. His wife did not say no but asked, “What do you need it for? Is it really necessary?” To him, it felt like begging for permission to spend family money.

He stopped bringing up family finances altogether, retreated from domestic decision-making, and began to feel like a stranger in his own home. When his wife later bought him the laptop as a surprise gift, he did not feel grateful; he felt pitied, and refused to speak to her for a week.

The resentment festered into chronic anxiety. In early July, exhausted after weeks of insomnia, he checked into the Hanoi Medical University Hospital, where doctors diagnosed him with an anxiety disorder.

Similarly, in Ho Chi Minh City, Minh, a freelance construction supervisor who earns VND10-15 million a month, bristles every time acquaintances praise his wife for “carrying the whole family.” Following a promotion to sales manager, her income climbed to VND50-70 million a month, making her the primary provider. Minh adapted by taking on domestic responsibilities.

He wakes up at 5:30 a.m. to cook breakfast and drive the kids to school before heading to work sites. In the afternoon, he goes grocery shopping, prepares dinner, tutors the children, does the laundry, and cleans. Since his wife frequently entertains clients until 9 or 10 p.m., neighbors playfully dubbed him the “ideal housewife.”

Minh laughed off the comments, but inside, his self-worth eroded. He felt inadequate comparing himself to other men. To compensate, he took on extra shifts and overextended himself until exhaustion set in. He began drinking, snapped at his family, and spent long hours locked away in his room. Soon, he too was caught in a downward spiral of insomnia and severe anxiety.

These anecdotes point to a growing strain in modern households as traditional earning dynamics shift. A 15-year study of 6,000 married couples by an economist at the U.K.’s University of Bath School of Management found that men experience the lowest stress levels when their wives contribute exactly 40 percent of household income. Once a wife’s income passes that threshold, the husband’s stress levels rise proportionately.

A 2022 survey by Read found that 27 percent of Vietnamese men wanted psychological counseling to handle career and financial pressures. But deeply entrenched gender roles that demand men be the sole financial pillar force many to suffer in silence. Data from American mental health organization Brightside indicates that up to 30 percent of men experience depression during their lifetime, though the vast majority hide their struggles until their mental health severely deteriorates.

This internal turmoil is rooted in cultural expectations drilled into men from childhood. Dr. Nguyen Viet Chung, a psychiatrist at E Hospital in Hanoi, says men are raised to view economic success as their core duty, and feel stripped of their manhood when they are stripped of that role. “The conflict between expectation and reality plunges them into a crisis of identity, breeding inadequacy, shame, and low self-esteem.”

To reclaim their status, many men overwork past their physical limit, triggering chronic anxiety. Coupled with a societal narrative that conditions men to stay quiet and tough out hardship, emotional distress gets suppressed until it manifests as full-blown anxiety or depression.

Dr. Vu Son Tung, deputy head of the emotional disorders’ treatment department at Hanoi’s Bach Mai Hospital, says the “male breadwinner” archetype leaves lower earning husbands feeling entirely worthless. While women are generally more inclined to seek support or express emotional pain, men often turn to coping mechanisms like drinking, substance abuse, gambling, and other reckless behavior, he explains. In men, depression rarely starts with tears but with as persistent backaches, digestive trouble, chronic headaches that resist medication, or sudden shifts in temperament, he adds.

To break this cycle, experts suggest a redefinition of a man’s role in the modern family. A man’s role as the family’s pillar isn’t measured solely by a paycheck—it also includes providing emotional support, sharing household responsibilities, and co-parenting. Wives also play an important role by recognizing their husbands’ non-financial contributions rather than inadvertently comparing them with others.

Crucially, seeking medical care when warning signs like persistent insomnia or irritability lasting longer than two weeks emerge is not a sign of weakness, but a necessary step to prevent a complete mental breakdown.