Your childhood relationships, home life, and mental health greatly impact the person you are in adulthood — whether you want to admit it or not. From navigating the dating scene to long-term commitments, friendships, and even work, your childhood influences the way you behave and the choices you make.
Specifically, your relationship with your parents significantly affects you. How they treated you, the environment they cultivated for you to grow up in, and the small choices they made raising you all impact how you view the world and others.
If you were raised by judgmental parents, you might not realize how their attitude altered your perspective.
Helena, a therapist on TikTokshared some of the ways this childhood experience manifests later in life.
: Psychologist Reveals The 7 Common Mistakes Parents Make That Often Cause Childhood Trauma
As a child, you’re understanding of how the world works mostly comes from your parents. If you grew up trusting your parents’ word and perspective, even their toxic and misguided decisions were ingrained in you as “truth.”
“If your parents made a lot of judgmental comments about others, whether that was commenting on their appearance or on their performance at something … you begin to internalize that as what you believe everyone around you is thinking about you when you walk into a space,” Helena explained.
If they constantly judged other people, made comments about their appearances, or mocked them behind their backs, everyone else is probably doing the same to you, right? It’s hard to imagine they aren’t when that’s what you were surrounded by in your formative years.
“Even if your parent wasn’t shouting abuse at you or being critical to you, if they were being highly critical of other people or even themselves, you internalize that as a small person,” she added. Even if they were just commenting about a character on a TV show, these comments stick with you.
If you’re chronically anxious at social events, struggle to connect with others, or find yourself living in fear of other people’s opinions about you — there’s a chance it started with your parents.
Until recently, when entering a new space, “I would look and scan through a crowd, and I would see the angry, critical faces of my parents,” Helena admitted. She expected everyone to be judging her, so that’s exactly what she saw.
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Now, “I show up in a friendly, open way,” she shared. “I look for the other friendly, receptive, warm faces.”
While it can be difficult to unlearn, we often attract the energy that we’re putting out. If we’re expecting negativity, we’re likely to find it — whether in a stranger in a passing interaction, or in a room of loved ones.
This kind of hypervigilance is common among adults with childhood trauma, but people with judgmental parents, specifically, often overanalyze body language, tone, and facial expressions.
“We become so terrified of what other people are going to say or think early on, because of what was happening in our house, (that) we show up in this constricted way. We show up scared,” she explained, adding that “people feel that energy and might be reflecting it back to you.”
“(You) hide because you’re afraid of showing up in any type of way that could be considered X, Y, and Z,” Helena explained. “You shut down your authenticity, as well, and that blocks you from being open and receptive to the people who are on a similar wavelength to you.”
Whether it’s styling your hair a certain way, picking out a specific outfit, or “dialing back” parts of your personality that were distasteful to your judgmental parents, you might be subconsciously making yourself smaller to avoid criticism that isn’t even present.
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It’s a toxic cycle of shame between you and the outside world, cultivating a sense of fear that keeps you from being your true authentic self — and attracting people who truly love you for who you are.
Childhood trauma experts suggest that trauma-driven relationships negatively impact millions of adults across the country. Their childhood experiences or parental relationships have skewed their true vision of a healthy connection, keeping them from unlocking true stability, security, and support.
People with judgmental parents are often anxiously attached to their friends and partners, constantly trying to “prove themselves” with the inherent assumption that they’re talking badly about them behind their backs.
This insecurity and negativity about relationships is a toxic cycle, as these adults often manifest a circle of people who talk poorly about others and bond over negative judgments. It could also be sparked by security — adults who feel comfortable with their judgmental parents feel safe with friends and partners who direct their negative judgments towards others, instead of them.
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“There are people who are waiting to love you out there,” Helena added, urging people to heal from their parents to cultivate a better inner circle. “There are people so excited and enthralled and inspired to meet you, but when we are so used to hiding out of fear we’re not making ourselves visible and open to those people and to those opportunities.”
According to psychotherapist Joan E. Childs, inner-child work is a multifaceted process that can address a multitude of struggles in adulthood — from resentment to self-confidence and acceptance.
“It allows the adult part of you to take care of your precious inner child,” she explained, “promotes a corrective experience, and allows you to give back the shame that poisoned your self-worth.”
Even if the abuse or criticism wasn’t directed at you, acknowledging and empathizing with the experiences of your inner child can help you to both unlearn poor decisions from your parents and soothe your childhood self that deeply ingrained them.
“Every child must feel they matter. Otherwise, they grow up believing they have no worth,” she added. “You’ll spend years seeking to matter and looking for love in all the wrong places.”
Whether it’s therapy or daily self-love practices, consider spending time with your inner child. It might be a long process, but they deserve to move forward, too.
: 7 Phrases To Say To Your Inner Child Each Day To Overcome Your Difficult Upbringing
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a News & Entertainment Writer at YourTango who focuses on health & wellness, social policy, and human interest stories
