Relationships between parents and adult children can be complex, especially if childhood resentments are carried over.
Despite having a “verbally abusive” father growing up, who always spent more time degrading her worth than celebrating her as a child, one woman admits she’s still in contact with him — and more recently, has become overwhelmed with his constant boasting of her accomplishments.
“He’s using every achievement of mine to brag to his friends and show off how great of a father he is,” the woman wrote in a post to the “Off My Chest” Reddit forum. “I became who I am DESPITE HIM, not because of him.”
As her career continues to flourish and her success only grows more substantial, she’s unsure of how to separate her adult identity from her dad.
The 28-year-old engineer explained that her relationship with her dad has always been strained even though she was “a pretty decent” child with good grades, great friends, and fulfilling hobbies. “I wasn’t exactly a handful for my parents,” she wrote. “Despite that, my dad would verbally abuse me for any reason he could think of … My life changed for the better when he moved out.”
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As he defined their relationship as transactional — taking things away, scolding her for “never doing anything right,” and underestimating how successful she’d be post-college — she continued to distance herself from him. But now, she can’t escape his constant commentary online.
It’s almost as if he’s taking credit for her accomplishments by invalidating her childhood experiences. “It boils my blood,” she wrote. “Every step I took to distance myself from him significantly improved my life … I became successful from the support of my mom.”
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Before she started her career and was in college, she said that her dad, while still out of their house, criticized her every move.
“I went to university to study engineering. My mom supported me financially throughout (it) … (My father) was contributing almost nothing,” she wrote. “He said it was a waste of money, because I wasn’t good enough.”
“At some point, he even accused me of stealing my mother’s tuition money. He said he wasn’t sure that I wasn’t just keeping it and lying about having to pay … Since then, I have graduated and become fairly successful in my field.”
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Studies have found that parental jealousy isn’t uncommon and often leads to a lifetime of resentment and strain in parent-child relationships. It seems that was this woman’s experience because her dad, whether subconsciously or not, tried to limit her potential in childhood.
However, now that she’s become successful, he’s transitioned to attention-seeking in an entirely new way by taking credit for her achievements.
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“Every time I publish an article he writes HUGE posts on Facebook, boasting about my achievements,” she wrote, arguing that it was truly her mother who should pat herself on the back. “(She) doesn’t brag nearly as much as him about being my mother, because she has her own personality and achievements!”
“All he did during my formative years was set me up for failure, and now that I didn’t fail, he wants all the bragging rights.”
She doesn’t want to give him any credit. And who can blame her? Her success was directly to the support from her mother and her hard work. Her dad had nothing to do with that.
“I hate the fact that I can’t feel fully excited about getting another work published because I dread the moment I read the obnoxious posts he writes about how proud he is,” she said. “When I was nothing to brag about, he treated me (bad) and now he wants a gold medal for having a successful daughter.”
If she wants to move forward and attempt a relationship with her dad, she could start with an honest conversation about all the ways she’s still hurt by his actions during her childhood, but it could be simpler. She could just block his social media.
If she can celebrate with the people who truly supported her, there’s no reason to keep monitoring his posts. This is her success, her life, and her career — she can define it, celebrate it, and enjoy it however she chooses to.
: Daughter Who Went ‘No Contact’ With Her Dad 17 Years Ago Wants To Talk Now — But He Only Feels ‘Indifference’
Zayda Slabbekoorn is a News & Entertainment Writer at YourTango who focuses on health & wellness, social policy, and human interest stories
