Have you ever met or dated someone who seems too good to be true in the initial stages of a romantic relationship? While relationships take time, effort and love to grow, the one with such people seems too perfect in the very beginning. They constantly call or text you and want to spend most of their time with you; or they shower you with love, affection and gifts early on in the relationship, and your connection seems too strong from the very beginning. Well, let us warn you then, you probably are being love bombed-- a dating trend that has gained significant attention in recent years. But what is love bombing and how does it affect your relationship? Read on to know more about it here:

What is love bombing?
As the term suggests, love bomb ing is a manipulative tactic and it's mainly done by excessive flattery, attention, and affection which seems weird or disproportionate from the stage of a relationship a person is in. The term 'Love Bomb' originated in the 1970s, and it was initially used to describe tactics used by cults to recruit or lure people. However, in recent years it has been used in the context of romantic relationships-- more precisely, for the manipulative tactics some people use to attract others to fall in love with them.


As Dr Swetha Gullapalli , Consultant Psychiatrist and Psychotherapist, Aasra Clinic- Hyderabad, tells us, "Love bombing is a manipulative tactic that involves showering another person with excessive love, warmth, praises and gifts."

But, why do some people love bomb others?
While the real motivation behind love bombing may vary from person to person, reports suggest it is mainly rooted in psychological issues like narcissism, insecurity, or a person's deep sense of control in the relationship. Some common reasons include:

1. "It is a narcissistic attempt that involves treating another person like an object and making them feel indebted for their love. It's an overcompensatory behaviour that stems from a person's own insecurity of getting rejected," Dr Swetha Gullapalli tells us.

People with narcissistic tendencies often use love bombing as a way to create their ideal version in the eyes of their romantic partners. This makes their partner emotionally invested early on in the relationship. Once this is achieved, they may devalue or discard them to show or maintain their sense of superiority. That's why narcissists often tend to mistreat their partners later on in the relationship, while their partners keep hoping for things to get better as they were initially and continue the relationship. However, it's only much later that their partners realise that they have been manipulated to fall in love, thus feeling cheated.



2. Insecure people often love bomb others to get validation and reassurance of their self-worth. This is their manipulative way to secure the relationship quickly and avoid being rejected.

3. Love bombing can also be used to establish and maintain dominance in a romantic relationship. By making their partner emotionally dependent on them, the love bomber gains power and control in the relationship.



The different phases of love bombing
Love bombing generally unfolds in different phases. It is always better to be informed than get carried away by others. The phases of love bombing include:

1. The idealisation phase is when the love bomber showers their new partner with all the attention, gifts, and affection. They'll make their partner feel as if they are the center of their universe and even express their love, early on in the relationship, thus creating an intense emotional connection.


2. The devaluation phase is when the love bomber feels they have their partner sufficiently attached, and so they stop all the extra attention they were given earlier. The love bomber becomes distant or even critical of their partner, making them feel confused. This makes their partner yearn for the initial affection and even go to lengths for it, thus giving away their control or even self-worth to maintain the relationship.

3. The discard phase: In some cases, the love bomber feels accomplished of having a partner and so they may even end the relationship abruptly. This often leaves their partner emotionally devastated. In other cases, the love bomber may go back to giving attention to their partner just like in the initial days, thus creating a toxic push-and-pull dynamic.


How love bombing leads to unhealthy and failed relationships
When love-bombed a person feels as if they are the center of the universe, and this sudden love and attention seems almost euphoric. However, it is when the love bombing stops that they feel cheated and they yearn for how things were initially in the relationship, thus chasing the love bomber for more attention and love, thus losing their own identity and control in the relationship. This combined with a love bomber's devaluation or discard phase leads to unhealthy and imbalanced relationships, which eventually leads to its failure.

Here are some ways in which love bombing leads to unhealthy and failed relationships:
1. The love bomber's partners often feel cheated, hurt, and sometimes even emotionally exhausted in the process. The push-and-pull dynamic of their relationship makes them lose trust in others, which can be difficult to repair. The emotionally exhausted can also lead to the breakdown of the relationship in the long run.

2. In some cases, the partner ends up being too emotionally dependent on the love bomber which makes it harder for them to see the red flags in their relationship. It also makes it harder for the partner to set healthy boundaries with the love bomber.



3. When love is bombed, the partner starts having unrealistic expectations from the relationship. It often feels as if they are more in love with feelings of love, rather than their partner. And when the intensity of their affection fades, both partners may struggle to adapt to a more balanced and realistic relationship.

4. Love bombing often leads to a power imbalance in the relationship, with the love bomber having all the control. This also leads to manipulation, emotional abuse, and ultimately the breakdown of the relationship.

Signs of love bombing to look out for
Sharing her insights, Dr Swetha Gullapalli shared some classic signs of being love-bombed that one should be aware of when in a romantic relationship with others. These include:
1. Hearing constant compliments
2. Constant calls and texts because they miss your presence
3. Showering you with gifts
4. Liking what you like
5. Saying what you want to hear
6. They try to be your saviour and they thrive on your problems
7. Opening up too quickly so they can feel close to you and get your trust
8. Showering you with all praises
9. They make you the center of their world
10. Getting too touchy and making more physical moves too quickly
11. They tend to victimise themselves in the relationship
12. They can blame you for their sadness
13. They can force you into marrying them, meeting with your family and labelling a relationship quickly.

Talking about how one can deal with being love bombed, she further shared, "Pay attention to how you feel around them, rather than your thoughts. Any sign of discomfort, voice it out and explain the importance of boundaries. Don't let guilt trip you into feeling that they are doing everything for you."



Dr Gullapalli also emphasised on the need to be realistic and take your time to let the relationship grow organically, especially when meeting someone new. She said, "Be realistic, that you cannot control how others feel around you. You can only control your behavior." She further added, "Take your own time to say yes to things. Don't get into a relationship when you are insecure. Falling in love is not a medicine for your own insecurity, but therapy can be. Seek help... Remember, love bombing is a form of emotional abuse, so be aware."

So, how can one safeguard themselves against being love bombed? When asked about this, Dr Gullapalli said, "Love bombing is a sign of control and negligence of other people's feelings. Those who have grown up with unstable attachment patterns are more likely to get attracted to this kind of relationship."

She added, "This is a red flag which often gets ignored at the initial stages depending on our desperation to seek validation from our partner. Understand that when we are sad, we get attracted to sadness around us, as it resonates with the things in our head. Insecurity breeds insecurity." As Stephen Chbosky wrote in 'The Perks of Being a Wallflower', "We accept the love we think we deserve," and rightly so.

So what's the right way of choosing a partner? Well, self-love and being secure within seems to be the answer, as Dr Swetha Gullapalli emphasised, "We make the best decisions when we are happy."
READ: The power of self-love: Why the most important relationship in your life is with yourself