Early retirement sounds like a dream life to most of us. But for one woman, it’s shaping up to be more like a nightmare after learning exactly what her husband means by “early retirement.”
After supporting him in his decision to use a recent inheritance for the milestone, she’s now feeling nothing but anxious and angry. Turns out, his plan has everything to do with golf and nothing to do with being engaged with his family.
The woman wrote into Slate’s “Care and Feeding” advice column to share a unique conundrum. She and her husband have been married for 19 years and have two children in elementary school.
For most of that time, her husband has worked more than her, typically 50 hours a week, while she works about 30. To make up the difference, she has taken on “90% of the domestic labor” as an offset.
VioletaStoimenova | Canva Pro
“I do the household errands, cleaning, school drop-offs, etc., which easily add up to 20 hours a week,” she wrote. So when her husband came into a sizable inheritance and wanted to quit his job, she was elated until they started discussing the details.
: Husband Refuses To Help His Wife With Household Responsibilities After She Quit Her Job To Become A Stay-At-Home Mom
When, out of nowhere, a wealthy aunt passed and left her husband a huge inheritance, he decided he wanted to retire early from his punishing job. Living off the inheritance would require them to take a yearly pay cut, but she thought it was absolutely worth the trade-off.
“I reassured him that less money seemed worth it for the net benefit to our family,” she wrote. “He’d be happier, and healthier, and if he’s no longer working, then he could take over some of my regular duties, which would make me happier and healthier too.”
Sounds like the perfect arrangement — except that her husband was “indignant” at the mere suggestion. “He said that after working for three decades, he was tired of having a supervisor and living by a schedule,” and insisted on spending his days as he pleases.
As she put it, “The vibe was, I might clean a toilet if I feel like it one day, but I’m not going to make any commitments or promises, and if I’d rather go golfing, I’ll go golfing.'” This is pretty audacious given how much work she’s already doing at home — and she is likely vastly underestimating that workload in the first place.
: Husbands Create 7 Hours Of Extra Housework A Week, Says Study
The response this woman got from Dan Kois, one of the writers who offers advice in the “Care and Feeding” column, really does say it all: “Hoo, boy! This guy is something else.” The expectation that his wife would simply do everything while he golfs is brain-melting in its selfishness, even if they had an entire retinue of maids to help her.
But it’s also out of touch with the reality of just how much work goes into parenting and running a home. A 2018 study found that the average American stay-at-home mom works a staggering 98 hours a week. That is nearly 2.5 full-time jobs!
StockLite | Canva Pro
Even in more egalitarian partnerships where both partners work and divide domestic responsibilities, the load is usually completely imbalanced. A 2023 Pew Research study found that the average woman in such a relationship does roughly a third more childcare and more than double the housework than her husband or partner. Men have double the weekly leisure time of their wives, too.
“Does he think you have not been working, and that he is somehow more deserving of a break than you, simply because he happens to have a rich aunt who dropped dead?” Kois indignantly asked, and it’s impossible to argue that he doesn’t have a point. What exactly is this guy smoking?
Kois’ advice was similarly blunt: He suggested sitting her husband down for ONE chance to redeem himself, and if he isn’t willing to compromise, it’s time to call a divorce lawyer. And given the recent statistics on couples divorcing over exactly this kind of conflict, she certainly won’t be the only wife doing so.
: Husbands, Beware: The ‘Great Divorce’ Is Here — ‘Your Wives See You As An Extra Burden’
John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.
