If you’re a person who’s even marginally empathetic, guilt is on some level a part of any human relationship. And if you’re a parent? Well, welcome to Guilt Land. We hope you enjoy your stay for the rest of your natural life!
However, psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy says that most of us are fundamentally confused about this human emotion and that it’s holding us back from doing what’s best, not just for our loved ones or kids but for ourselves.
Dr. Becky Kennedy, the renowned psychologist and “Millennial parenting whisperer,” recently explained in an interview with Tim Ferriss that when it comes to our sense of guilt, we’ve often got it all wrong.
Ferriss pointed out how “our boomer parents often use guilt and shame as teaching methods,” an experience that will likely resonate with any kids of boomers. We then end up feeling guilt in the other direction as adults, basically any time we set a boundary, whether with a peer or with our kids. But Kennedy says that’s not actually guilt, and it obscures what we’re actually doing — which is about control.
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Kennedy said that among the most common questions she gets from clients is “‘How do I say no to someone without feeling guilty?'” But what you feel when saying no isn’t guilt. “Guilt is a feeling you have when you’re acting out of alignment with your values,” Kennedy explained. “If I yelled at a taxi on the way home tonight, I would feel guilty because that’s not in my values to yell at anyone.”
That’s an entirely different ball of wax from all the other things we reflexively classify as guilt. Kennedy highlighted the two most common examples she sees: setting boundaries with parents or in-laws, and telling a child “no,” for example when they’re demanding you buy them everything in the store — basically, “mom guilt.”
“It’s not guilt,” Dr. Becky explained, “…because you’re acting in alignment with your values.” You told your child you were not going to buy them whatever they wanted, and you held the line. You told your in-laws what you needed, and you held the line. In neither case did you act outside your values. In fact, you did the opposite. So good job!
So if it’s not guilt, what is this terrible feeling? Kennedy explained that, usually starting in childhood (remember those aforementioned shame-wielding boomer parents?), we develop a tendency to “see other people’s distress… (and) say, ‘I will take that for you. I will take your upset and bring it to my body and put it in my body to metabolize it for you. And I will call it guilt.’ But it’s not guilt.”
What it is, is one of the fundamental definitions of codependency — a need to control others by taking on responsibility for their emotions, and relying upon that control to manage your own. It’s that impulse we have to manage other people’s emotional state because we feel like we can’t bear to see them suffer, or because we feel like our own needs won’t be met if we let them.
I don’t know about you, but I can’t think of a better description of what many parents experience with their kids — relenting and giving in because they have a meltdown — or what the rest of us do with pretty much everyone else in our lives.
We give in on our boundaries the minute they hurt someone’s feelings, or we try to swoop in and fix our child’s or best friend’s problems when what they actually need is a listening ear — and we smother them in the process. All because we’re uncomfortable with how they’re experiencing their emotions, and how it makes us feel.
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Taking on that emotional baggage and trying to control others in this manner does both ourselves and everyone in our relationships a disservice. “Not only is that not good for you, it’s actually awful for the other person,” Kennedy explained. “If you metabolize … your kids’ feelings for them, they never learn to deal with the stress … (and) you can also never empathize, because the only reason I can empathize is if I actually see your feelings as yours,” Kennedy explained.
What you’re actually offering is sympathy — and we can probably all agree that a kid having a meltdown over a candy bar or your mom getting upset that you don’t want her to show up unannounced are not appropriate times for sympathy! That’s for, like, funerals and stuff, not this!
So what do we do about this? Kennedy said we must practice giving people their emotions back. She suggested visualizing a physical pushing back of the emotions onto the other person’s side of the proverbial tennis court of life, and using the mantra, “they’re allowed to be upset.”
It’s all about validating their feelings, while still holding the boundary. Acknowledging that your mom is upset that she can’t come over, or that your child is angry they can’t have the candy, but holding to your decision.
It’s not exactly easy, but neither is carrying around other people’s emotions all the time! And you get to walk away knowing that you did the best thing not just for yourself, but for your child or loved one. That’s a win-win.
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John Sundholm is a writer, editor, and video personality with 20 years of experience in media and entertainment. He covers culture, mental health, and human interest topics.
