“We are the difficult women…who make it all look so goddamn easy.” When spoken-word poet Priya Malik concluded her poem on the judgement faced by modern-day women with this line, the audience erupted in cheers. Malik, who started her career as a high school teacher and stand-up comic in Adelaide , participated in Australia’s Big Brother and Big Boss 9 in India. But it was her words, especially her ode to old-fashioned love ‘Main 2019 mein 1999 dhoondh rahi hoon’, which catapulted her to fame. Malik, who is mommy to a one-year-old boy, spoke to Neha Bhayana about miscarriages, motherhood and more

I believe you opted for a water birth. How was the experience?

Yes, I tried a water birth and it was magical as the pain was halved compared to labouring on the hospital bed. But as my labour progressed, my blood pressure started dropping and the baby’s heartbeat escalated, so I was rushed into an emergency C-section and couldn’t end up with a water birth.

Your son Zorawar is almost one now. How are you dealing with toddler tantrums?

I am yet to see proper tantrums. Yes, he makes his voice heard. Just a couple of days ago, we heard him yell at the top of his voice. We had not heard him that loud yet. So it’s happening as we speak, but the tantrums haven’t started full on yet. He’s a good baby.

Most moms find the first year with the baby extremely tiring; some even end up with postpartum depression. Your son was also hospitalised due to high fever when he was five months old. How did you cope?

I actually really enjoyed my first year of motherhood. I think one of the primary reasons was that I started work really soon and I enjoy my work a lot. I was able to get back to being ‘Priya, the poet’ along with being ‘Priya, the mother’. I think that really helped me balance it out and maintain my mental health. I also feel privileged saying this because I know not all new moms have the fortune of having a good support system at home. I was very lucky in that case. But at the same time, I was also very clear with my family, friends and people I work with that this is how I would like things to be. And, because I was able to do both, I ended up with a good first year of postpartum.

Has it been tiring?

Yes. Zorawar is a light sleeper, so he still doesn’t sleep through the night. He wakes up every few hours and that can get tiring. But I have still enjoyed the first year, except the hospitalisation bit which happened when Zorawar was five months old. His fever just wasn’t going away, so he had to be put on antibiotics and then had to be hospitalised for them to run all the tests because they could not figure out the cause. It ended up being just a viral. But the idea of your little baby being hospitalised and undergoing all these tests, that’s really traumatising. It made me stronger because I saw the way my son handled it. Zorawar was smiling, being playful in the hospital.

At one point in time, I remember I was the one crying and he was the one smiling. That made me realise that children are there to teach parents a lesson. We think that we are the ones teaching our children. But in reality, I think children are the ones who are constantly teaching us the lessons of life.

You had a silent miscarriage shortly before your pregnancy with Zorawar. How did you deal with the loss?

The loss taught me how much I wanted it. You know, sometimes when you lose things, you realise the importance of them in a way which is different than not having lost them even once. I think the miscarriage definitely taught me a lesson. At the same time, it made me really anxious about my next pregnancy considering that I was having a baby in my late 30s.

I believe you kept your second pregnancy a secret from your family. It must have been hard to deal with pregnancy-related health issues and fears alone…

Yes, I kept it a secret from my friends and family because I was anxious about carrying the baby full term. It was hard to not be able to share the joys and the struggles with anyone else at that time. But at the same time, it also allowed me and my husband a lot of time to really connect to the baby. It also gave me a lot of alone time to speak to the baby, to reach the baby and to prepare for the baby’s arrival.

You have publicly spoken about your miscarriage. Very few women talk about failed pregnancies or their struggle to conceive. Do you think it is important to speak up?

It is extremely important to speak up. When we talk about pregnancy and the arrival of a child with so much joy, we must also talk about miscarriages and conception struggles with equal fervour because it is a very common issue. When common issues are swept under the carpet, they begin to seem uncommon. But the reality is that many people go through these things. I think it is really important to normalise these taboos.

Talking about my miscarriage really helped me cope with it, which is why I talked about it quite a bit. I even had a session about it at SpokenFest to talk to mothers who also have gone through a similar loss. I realised how common miscarriages are only when I started talking about this subject, and it really surprised me.

I last spoke about pregnancy losses a year ago and I still get messages from mothers who have gone through miscarriages. They find it easy to talk to me because they know that I have been through one as well. And these are strangers telling me everything that has happened with their pregnancy and with their losses via DMs. So, I feel that having a conversation really created that circle of confidence among me and other women who are going through similar losses in their lives.

How has motherhood changed you?

It has made me so much more patient and empathetic. It’s like there’s this invisible thread that now ties me with every parent (including my own) because I’m able to understand them a lot more.

Engaging an audience or raising a child — which is tougher?

Both are challenging and rewarding in their own ways. Engaging an audience is still a time bound responsibility though, but raising a child is forever! Also, I am aware how much early childhood can affect adulthood which is why I only became a mother after I healed as a person. I feel I’m at that age and stage in my life to not pass unhealed or unprocessed trauma to my child. And to answer your question, I can’t wait for my child to also be in my audience someday soon.

You often touch upon gender discrimination in your poetry. Parenting is one job where gender roles tend to be extremely defined and mothers always end up as the primary caregivers while dads just ‘chip in’ when they can. Please share your thoughts.

That is usually the case but I can see millennial dads bringing about a change which is desperately needed. With mothers also being breadwinners and having their own careers as much as fathers, it is imperative that both partners contribute equally to parenting and raising a child together.

Is your husband (businessman Karan Bakshi ) an equal parent?

Yes! I wouldn’t have it any other way. Karan has been such a natural from the day he became a dad, but I kind of knew that he would be that way. We have been pet parents and we’re equals in that too. Karan also works from home, so sometimes he gets to spend more time with the baby than even I do and he can do it all, from diapers to dinners!

Today’s parents tend to hover around their kids like helicopters, overseeing every bite and every activity. You had been quoted saying you will be an ‘overprotective, clingy mom’. Are you not worried about tiring yourself out?

No, I am not worried about that at all. I want to give Zorawar every opportunity to succeed. Being present and encouraging without being overbearing and pushy is what I intend to do. I am and will continue to be a very hands-on mother.

Life can be chaotic after a kid. How do you find the mental space to write?

I actually found it very difficult to write when I was pregnant. In fact, I barely wrote much in those nine months. It was only a few months after Zorawar’s birth that I got some bandwidth to write. Taking stipulated time away while he’s asleep was the only way
it worked for me, but now I have kind of fallen back into my ease and routine.

What is the secret behind being a happy parent?

To understand that while a perfect parent may not be a happy parent but a happy parent is always a perfect parent (smiles).