Protective parents usually mean well. The world is a perilous place, and they want to shield their children from danger and prevent them from ever getting hurt. However, this dynamic often has lasting impacts, especially when it comes to protective fathers and their daughters.
Brandon Ord is a mental health coach and the CEO and co-founder of Clear Mindsa hypnotherapy app. He discussed this specific parent-child relationship in a recent Instagram post.
“The father-daughter bond shapes how you see love,” he explained. “If your ‘protective’ dad controlled too much, it may still be affecting your relationships today.”
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When you were younger, your dad controlled where you went and who you saw as a way of looking out for you. As a result, controlling men now make you feel safe instead of setting off alarm bells.
“Our first attachment patterns shape our expectations for future attachments,” clinical psychologist Jennifer Kromberg explained. “Overtly and also unintentionally, our parents teach us how to approach our lives and relationships — they teach us how to express and receive love, how to handle disagreements, how to process feelings, etc. Our parents shape and color the lens through which we see and organize meaning about other human interactions.”
In this case, your dad’s possessive demeanor normalized controlling behavior in the men you date. But, “love doesn’t need surveillance,” Ord cautioned. “If it feels like control, it is.”
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Just because your father was physically protective, doesn’t mean he emotionally expressed his love. He may have provided financially and enforced house rules, all while failing to show true affection. When this happens, “distant men feel familiar instead of neglectful,” Ord said.
When you grow up and start dating, this may cause you to spend time chasing affection from men in hopes of getting them to open up.
“If you have to earn basic emotional connection, it’s not love, it’s emotional starvation,” Ord added.
Speaking up for yourself or sharing an opinion that differed from that of your father was considered “talking back” when you were growing up. Now you likely struggle to voice your needs, preferring to avoid conflict, dismiss your feelings, and apologize, even when things are not your fault.
However, obedience is not love and you should never have to minimize yourself to appease your partner. “Love isn’t about silence,” Ord stressed. “If you have to shrink yourself, it’s not real peace.”
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“Your dad’s approval meant everything, so now, prioritizing your needs feels selfish,” Ord described. “You stay in draining relationships, afraid that leaving makes you the bad person.”
However, prioritizing yourself is not a bad thing and the right man will accept and respect your boundaries. You should never stay in a relationship that doesn’t serve you out of loyalty.
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During childhood, you equated love with earning your father’s approval, and now you seek partners who make you prove your worth. But love is not supposed to be challenging. Tension, conflict, and heartache are not required, and if a relationship feels easy, that’s a green flag — not a red one!
“Love should feel safe, not like an uphill battle for validation,” Ord said. But don’t worry. “Your father’s love shaped you, but it doesn’t have to define your future,” he promised. “You deserve a love that doesn’t feel like a fight.”
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Sylvia Ojeda is an author who has over a decade of experience writing novels and screenplays. She covers self-help, relationships, culture, and human interest topics.
