Dear Coleen

One of my best friends is getting married in a few months and I agreed to be a bridesmaid.

However, since she announced her engagement, a lot has happened in my life. My partner has lost his job and is still unemployed, and we’ve been struggling to pay the bills and the mortgage on my wage alone. We have quite a bit of debt and we’re currently trying to remortgage.

My friend who’s getting married doesn’t know the details – no one does – and she’s having a big hen weekend, which is going to cost a fortune. I can’t afford it without putting myself into more debt.

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It’s a spa weekend with expensive treatments, plus the cost of travel and meals. Then there’s the actual wedding to think of – I need to buy my own shoes and then a wedding gift, plus pay for a night in the hotel. I feel it’s spiralling out of control and if I don’t do something about it soon, I’m going to fall into a hole I can’t get out of.

I do feel bad because the bride is a nice person and a good friend, and deserves to have a lovely time, and I don’t want to let her down.

I feel embarrassed and don’t know how to tell her. Please give me some advice.

Coleen says

Firstly, please do not be embarrassed. If she’s a really good friend, why don’t you meet her for a coffee and explain?

Say how excited you are about the wedding but, you’re
struggling financially at the moment and you can’t be at her hen do. Maybe you could suggest going out for dinner or lunch before the wedding. Trust me, if she’s a good friend she’ll understand and will have empathy. I’m sure she won’t want to add to your stress.

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If I was the bride, I’d rather my good friend and bridesmaid was at the wedding than at the hen weekend. There will be plenty of other people at the hen for sure.

These days, lots of couples go all out on their wedding with extravagant hen and stag dos and foreign travel but, if you do that, I think you have to expect that not all your guests will be able to afford it or at least every part of it.

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And no one else needs to know why you’re not at the hen – explain that you have a family commitment or a work thing.

If you deal with it now, it’ll be a huge relief and then you can focus fully on looking forward to the wedding.

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