Dear Coleen

I’m a married man aged 39 and recently I got into an argument with a work colleague after she accused me of having an with another woman who works with us.

To be clear, I haven’t slept with this woman or even kissed her, but we are close friends.

We message and call outside of work (we usually speak when I’m taking the dog out at night), and I admit we confide in each other about our partners and life at home.

She’s younger – 26 – and has been for a year, and it’s not going great. I feel a bit lonely sometimes, as my wife is so involved with our two kids. I admit I haven’t told my wife how friendly I am with this other woman and she doesn’t know we message each other.

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The colleague who confronted me says it’s obvious to the whole office that we fancy each other because we flirt all the time.

If I am flirting, it’s not something I’m doing consciously. I felt really wound up by this and told her she was wrong and not to get involved in things that don’t concern her. Am I right or is there something in what she’s saying?

Coleen says

Well, you might not have had sex, but it sounds like an emotional affair because there’s an intimacy to it ­– you’ve become close, you’re sharing details about your partners and you’re consciously hiding this friendship and the messages from your wife.

There’s nothing transparent about it and you have to ask yourself what your wife would think if she saw these messages. And what would you think if you found similar messages on her phone from a colleague? You’d be worried, you’d wonder what was going on and you’d feel hurt.

If you really thought there was nothing to hide and your wife would be cool with it, you wouldn’t be keeping it from her.

Try to be honest with ­yourself. If it’s obvious to other people in the office how close you are, rumours will start to fly around and there’s a chance they’ll get back to your wife. Emotional affairs often turn into sexual affairs, so wake up to what you’re getting in to and what you stand to lose.

What if you were more present at home and doing things together with the kids? What if you turned your attention to your marriage and how to make that better, and more fun and exciting? I think your ego is being flattered by the attention of this younger woman, especially because of how you’re feeling at home.

Instead of telling this woman how you feel, tell your wife.