An older woman admitted that she’s feeling devastated that her children never made her a grandmother and claimed that her feelings were made worse after her younger half-sister announced the impending arrival of a grandbaby. Sharing her dilemma with Slate’s advice column, “Dear Prudence,” she pointed out that she’s been struggling emotionally with not having any grandkids despite doing “everything right” to get to that chapter in life.
“My husband and I have been happily married for almost 50 years. We have four children and gave them the most stable, loving, idyllic childhood imaginable. I had my career but worked from home to more fully devote myself to them and our household,” she began in her confessional.
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Now, her dream is to become a grandma, but that doesn’t seem to be in the cards for her. She turned to “Dear Prudence” in an effort to understand her resentment for her sister, who she feels has made terrible life choices but is still being rewarded.
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She explained that she and her kids were always close and happy as a family, but none of them expressed any interest in starting families of their own. She admitted that her 46-year-old son is “devastatingly handsome” with a brilliant career, but she wasn’t surprised when he confided in her that he’d gotten a vasectomy during his 20s.
He’s never been married and enjoys dating and being in short-term relationships. Her 44-year-old daughter also has an impressive career but, like her older brother, has never been interested in getting married or having kids.
It seems more and more millennials are choosing to remain both childfree and unmarried. A Pew Research Center survey found that about 44% of people ages 18-49 report it’s unlikely or “not too likely” that they’ll have children.
Data gathered by the Thriving Center of Psychology concluded that an estimated 85% of Gen Z and millennials do not feel marriage is necessary to have a fulfilled and committed relationship. More than 1 in 6 (17%) are not planning to get married, and more millennials (21%) feel more strongly than Gen Z (7%) on this matter.
“My 42-year-old daughter claimed she wanted a family, but only ever picked terrible, glamorous but unfaithful men; the last one just left her after stringing her along until her biological clock ran out. My 38-year-old son is gay and completely uninterested in settling down, much less having a family,” the heartbroken mom continued.
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“In contrast, take my younger half-sister. She’s been married and divorced three times and has had countless shorter-term relationships. The legal father of her only daughter demanded a paternity test, abandoned their then 6-year-old daughter when she turned out not to be biologically his, and when ordered to pay child support anyway, moved overseas to avoid it.”
She recalled her sister having quite a rocky relationship with her daughter for a number of years, but now she’s married and having her first child, meaning her sister was going to become a grandmother before she did. She claimed that her sister, despite not having saved enough money to support herself, is planning to retire early and help care for the baby.
“I haven’t said anything about my feelings to anyone but my husband, and I don’t plan to,” she revealed. “But emotionally, I’m struggling to accept how my sister can be forgiven for being a barely adequate mother, setting a dreadful example of marriage, and still become a grandmother, while we can do everything right, give our children the world, and not receive the same reward.”
It’s definitely a fulfilling feeling being able to witness your own kids have children and, in turn, become grandparents. But there’s definitely more to life than having grandchildren, just as there’s more to life than having children.
She still has a beautiful family who all love her and have such a close bond. Her children may decide to one day start a family, or they may not, but it doesn’t mean that their lives — or hers — are any less meaningful than her sister’s.
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Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.
