Dr. Gary Chapman’s “Five Love Languages” debuted more than 30 years ago but is still highly discussed both socially and psychologically. The five love languages include words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. (If you don’t know yours, you can take the quiz!)
Knowing how you show and feel love can be helpful, especially if it differs from your partner’s. By being able to tell your partner something like “I feel loved when we spend quality time together,” your partner can know to express their adoration of you in that way. More than just how someone gives and shows love, love languages can reveal aspects of someone’s personality and past.
Relationship coach Brian Ball suggests that your love language can be a sign of what you did not get as a child. “One day I put my hand on (my wife’s) lower back as we were walking out of a store, and she said, ‘I really appreciate how much you touch me. My parents were never affectionate with me growing up, and it’s so nice to have a partner who’s comfortable doing that for me.’ When she said that, I realized that my love language, Words of Affirmation, was also what I hadn’t had as a child.”
Playing on the concept of how your love language can reflect what you may have lacked growing up, popular TikToker Femi Garber pointed out the ways that your love language could be a reflection of your trauma. Garber’s TikTok spurred some controversy in the comments, with some users writing things like “This is cyberbullying.” Others agreed. “As a therapist, I might agree,” one TikTok user wrote. “Wait, why is this kind of accurate,” wrote another.
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Words of affirmation are just what they sound like. These are words or phrases that you can express to your partner to tell them you love them. Sometimes, it’s just as simple as saying, “I love you,” other times, it can be more detailed, like focusing on something specific you like that your partner does.
Brian Ball, the relationship coach who suggested that love languages are what you didn’t receive as a child, talked about how his preferred love language, words of affirmation, was what he did not receive.
“Growing up, all I wanted was to be praised for the 99% I was doing right instead of being criticized for the 1% I was doing wrong. I ended up feeling like what I did was never good enough. I never even was able to take the time to celebrate my successes because I was always looking at the areas where I could have succeeded more,” said Ball.
Garber argued that this could also be linked to social anxiety and feeling out of place or unwanted in groups. Perhaps missing out on praise and encouragement in childhood exacerbated difficulties with reading social cues and understanding how to behave in groups or the subtle nuances of communication. Having your partner encourage you and tell you that they want you around could help you break out of this feeling.
Gift-giving is often the love language that is teased the most, as it can come across as materialistic or spoiled. However, the act of giving gifts is an extremely thoughtful one. According to South University, “The entire act of giving gifts — from the thought, the careful choosing of a tangible item to represent the relationship, and finally to the actual giving itself, elicits the feeling of affection toward another person.”
Dr. Jeral Kirwan, Program Chair of Psychology at the University of Arizona, also offered insight into gift-giving: “There are psychological advantages to both giving and receiving. Giving a gift increases feelings of satisfaction and helps to reinforce relationships by positively acknowledging each other.”
If gifts are your love language, this could be a sign that you didn’t often receive them as a child. Garber pointed out that many times, people with a preferred love language of receiving gifts likely grew up in poverty. Maybe your family couldn’t afford it, or the gifts you did receive weren’t things you actually wanted.
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Quality time means more than just being in the same room. This is all about undivided attention. As writer Lauren Ramesbottom put it, “No TV, no buzzing Instagram notifications or distractions… it’s about truly honing in on each other and your connection (whether through conversation, a shared activity, creating something together, etc).”
If you’re someone who craves quality time, you might not have gotten a lot of attention growing up. According to Garber, a preferred love language of quality time could be a sign that you have issues with your mom. Whether your parents were too busy with work or you grew up in a large family where it was hard to get one-on-one time, feeling love through quality time means getting that undivided attention that you lacked from your mom as a child, instead from your partner as an adult.
Today’s world is so busy and full of distractions. Though it’s fun to watch a TV show with your partner, it’s important to make sure that you also have time to truly talk, with your full attention on them.
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According to Dr. Chapman, “Physical touch specifically refers to people who either feel loved or express love the best by being physically affectionate with their partners and loved ones.”
Simply Psychology pointed out that it can often be assumed that this love language includes sexual intimacy, but while this can be the case, it isn’t the only way to express this love language. Physical touch can include things like hugging, cuddling, or holding hands. Even something as simple as a hand on your partner’s back can make them feel loved. Everyone has their preferences and ways they feel the most loved.
Physical touch as a primary love language can come from a lack of touch. If you were someone who wasn’t hugged or comforted a lot as a child, then something like a hug or holding hands can feel extra soothing. Unfortunately, as Garber noted, feeling touch-starved as a child can sometimes backfire as an adult because you seek physical intimacy above other signs of affection. Sometimes, people with a physical touch love language can jump into intimacy before they are emotionally ready to.
“The acts of service love language is all about showing love through actions. It’s not just about doing the laundry or making dinner — it’s about the intentionality behind those actions. It’s the idea of taking something off your partner’s to-do list simply because you care. It’s about stepping up and taking the initiative to recognize and address your partner’s needs without being asked,” explained Resilience Lab.
The acts of service love language is very common among working parents, according to the Pew Research Center. This makes sense as working parents are often extremely busy, and helping them by doing a simple task such as the laundry or the dishes can release a huge weight from their shoulders.
According to Garber, someone who has acts of service as their preferred love language can be a sign that they were very independent growing up. Whether this was their choice or a role that was thrust upon them is significant.
Much like quality time reflects possible mother issues, he asserted that acts of service are directly linked to father issues. Perhaps you grew up with a single mom carrying the weight of everything, or you had a father who was disengaged from the intricacies of running a household. You now prioritize a partner who helps you without being asked.
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Alexis Faible is a writer with a Bachelor’s in fashion design and a Master’s in journalism covering fashion, relationships and human-interest stories.
