I grew up in a modest household, where my mother was a teacher and my father worked as an accountant. My siblings and I were always encouraged to prioritize our education, as my parents believed academic achievement was the only path to success. As a result, essential life skills were overlooked, and soft skills were not given importance at home.

My father is authoritarian and raised us with harsh methods, including punishment and frequent yelling. I still remember the times I was forced to crawl under the bed or table as a form of punishment. Even now, in my 40s, I still face harsh words from him.

My mother, too, has endured his yelling, even though they are both in their 80s. Overall, I feel that my father doesn’t show respect for anyone in the family. He’s authoritarian, making decisions without considering anyone else’s desires, and values money over the opinions of others. Fortunately, he doesn’t struggle with any form of addiction.

My mother, however, is gentle and long-suffering. She has often wanted to leave my father but never acted on it. Over time, my father’s behavior has worsened, and it seems to have become more entrenched with age. I wonder if this is common for many parents of their generation, as their circumstances and environment were so different from today. I’ve lived away from my parents since I went to university.

After graduation, I built my career away from home, and my interactions with my parents became minimal, mostly limited to phone calls with my mother.

Conversations with my father tend to end quickly due to his yelling, despite my efforts to listen. He often tries to impose his views on me. My parents frequently suggest the opposite of what I plan to do. For instance, my father’s advice is usually well-intentioned but not appropriate for my current situation, while my mother is often swayed by superstitions. Given my father’s strict upbringing, I tend to follow my own desires more strongly.

I’ve always valued my independence, making decisions on my own and only informing my parents after I’ve followed through. While I help my parents financially, I’ve chosen not to concern myself with their will, as I prioritize my autonomy. I recognize that a child’s personality is shaped by their upbringing, especially during the formative years from birth to university, when the home environment plays a pivotal role. As a result, I’ve always strived to avoid repeating the negative aspects of my parents’ behavior.

I married based on my own decision, despite my mother’s reservations, as she felt my then-wife-to-be wasn’t physically attractive enough. The marriage eventually ended in divorce, and through this experience, I reflected on my own actions. I realized that I had unintentionally mirrored my father’s behavior toward my ex-wife. I take full responsibility for the divorce and understand how painful it was for my parents. This remains my first significant failure.

However, my parents refuse to accept responsibility for the divorce, instead blaming my ex-wife and claiming that I married without heeding their advice. Even during the divorce paperwork process, my father insulted me, making an already painful situation even worse. Typically, people turn to their family for support during difficult times, but I felt completely lost.

I understand my parents’ concern for me, especially now that I have a daughter, but I find their approach to caring for me and advising me on relationships troubling. Perhaps I am at fault, being unfilial and not following their advice, despite always taking responsibility for my actions and trying not to negatively affect others.

Recently, when my parents saw a photo of my new girlfriend, they immediately opposed the relationship, focusing solely on her appearance without considering any other factors. I tried to communicate with them, but it was difficult, as they only focused on superficial judgments. Not only did they say hurtful things, but they also told me not to come home anymore.

I understand that their interference comes from a place of concern, especially given my past experiences with a broken relationship, but I find it difficult to navigate. I had planned to visit my parents this summer with my daughter, but I hesitated, not wanting her to witness the tension or hear the harsh words from them. I don’t want her to experience the same strict upbringing that I did.

I don’t expect my parents to change their personalities, especially at their age, and I don’t blame them. I just don’t know how to ease their worries and stop them from interfering in my personal life while still maintaining a relationship with them. I want to find a way to balance my life and my relationship with my parents.

What should I do?