Honesty is crucial for a healthy relationship. Though you don’t have to tell your spouse every single thought that crosses your mind, secrets, especially big ones, can damage the trust between partners irreparably.
Some secrets are far more harmful than others, though. In a recent TikTok, Chris Simonds, an Arizona-based divorce attorney, discussed three big secrets that, when kept from a spouse, often lead to the end of a marriage.
Batman2000 | Getty Images
“Not disclosing debt before the marriage,” Simonds said, is often “a catalyst for a divorce consultation.” Couples often combine their finances when they get married, and to learn that your spouse hid financial troubles from you can feel like a major betrayal. Though pre-existing debts remain the responsibility of the individual who incurred them, they can impact a couple’s ability to budget, plan their future, buy a home, and start a family.
Even more problematic is secret debt accrued during the marriage. According to Experianin some states, “Debt assumed during your marriage is understood to be ‘community’ responsibility, with each spouse under equal obligation for repayment. No matter whether both spouses agreed to the debts, or even whether both knew about them, both are equally responsible to cover them.”
: 6 Tiny Signs Money Issues Are Undermining Your Relationship
Peopleimages.com – YuriArcurs | Canva
“If you haven’t known somebody or gone through that cycle of addiction with them, and a person relapses, it can often be a massive surprise if you didn’t know about that history,” Simonds said
According to the National Institute on Drug Abuserelapse rates for drug use are similar to those of other chronic medical illnesses. Some research indicates that anywhere from 40 to 60% of people with addiction will experience a relapse. That can be shocking for a spouse without knowledge of these past addiction issues, so it’s important to divulge this information before walking down the aisle. In fact, Safe Harbor Recovery recommends doing so in the early stages of dating.
: ‘I Never Thought I’d Tell Them’ — 5 Couples Share The Secret That Almost Broke Them
jwebb | Getty Images Signature
While the saying, “Once a cheater, always a cheater,” is a generalization, Simonds noted that past infidelity is a “very high indicator” of future infidelity. This sentiment is supported by research, too. A 2017 study from the University of Denver found that someone is three times more likely to cheat if they have cheated in the past.
In another TikTok, Chris Simonds’s wife and fellow lawyer, Kate Simonds, noted that this is because a person who cheats usually does so because they are unhappy with themselves.
“When you’re cheated on, you automatically wanna say, ‘What did I do? What’s wrong with our relationship?'” she said. “But research shows (that) if someone is unhappy with themselves, they’re more likely to cheat to find a way to fix that.” In other words, if they didn’t work on themselves after cheating the first time, there is a high chance they will cheat again.
: Relationships That Survive Cheating Have These 4 Small Things In Common, Says Psychology
Audrey Jaber is a writer and associate editor with a bachelor’s degree in journalism.
