Dear Coleen

My girlfriend and I have been together since we were 18 and we’re 26 now. We both found jobs after uni and moved in together when we were 21. Our parents gave us the money for a deposit on our own place, so we bought our own small flat.

For a couple of years things were good and I was happy, but I’ve realised I don’t want to be in the relationship any more.

I still love her and she’s my best friend, but I’m not in love with her any more and the physical attraction has gone.

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Over the past 18 months, I’ve deliberately started arguments, just so I can leave and stay with a mate for a couple of nights.

I know that’s immature, but I haven’t been able to face the big conversation about splitting up.

We got together so young and I thought I wanted the relationship and the flat, but I want to do more with my life before settling down and having big responsibilities.

I want to travel, but all my girlfriend talks about is weddings or babies.

I know breaking up will break both our hearts, but I still know it’s the right thing for me – and probably her, too. I can’t fight feeling trapped any more.

Coleen says

When you get together in your teens, it can be hard to sustain the relationship because you change and grow so much. It’s not uncommon to find you want different things a few years down the line and aren’t compatible any more.

But it’s difficult and scary as you’ve grown up together and I’m guessing you’re each other’s first love, and you’re still best friends. I’d be lying if I told you there was an easy way to break things off, but I think it’s good that you know your own mind and aren’t in any doubt about what’s right for you.

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This should help you to be clear about how you feel, so she’s not left with false hope.

She will be heartbroken and it’ll be hard for you too, but you both deserve to have a good life and be with someone 100% committed and sharing the same hopes and dreams.

She won’t see it that way now, but she will in time.

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You have to be brave and open the conversation, and you don’t need to engineer an argument. Listen to how she feels and keep talking.

Maybe your parents can help sort out out what will happen to the flat you own together to take some pressure off.

It will be hard to be friends at first – you both need space to adjust and feel stronger – but hopefully, in time, you’ll reconnect as friends and continue to be in each other’s lives. Good luck.

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