It seems there’s a growing divide between grandparents, their adult children, and their grandchildren. Many grandparents, at least according to a parenting coach, feel disconnected from their adult children’s and grandkids’ lives and are trying to figure out what’s expected of them as grandparents.

In a TikTok video, Jane, a parenting coach, claimed that this disconnect is seemingly harming the relationship between grandparents and their grandkids, especially when it comes to them spending quality time together. 

Many grandparents don’t want to spend time with their grandkids because of their bad behavior.

“Anybody else noticing this trend of the younger generation wanting nothing to do with grandparents?” Jane questioned in her video. “Maybe there’s some reasons for that, but let me tell you this, grandparents reach out to me all the time.”

Jane explained that she’ll have grandparents come to her and say they struggle with not being as close to their grandkids as they want to be. In an Instagram post, she explained, “Sometimes, it’s because the behavior of the grandchildren has become unbearable. And that’s not judgment — it’s exhaustion.” Jane pointed out that while there are both bad parents and bad grandparents, it’s important for parents to question if they are raising their kids in such a way that their grandparents struggle to want to be around them.

“I know that’s hard to say, and I’m not saying it’s right,” she continued. “I’m not saying I encourage these grandparents to get my training and learn how to grandparent differently than maybe the parents are doing. No yelling, no spanking, none of that old-fashioned stuff. But we gotta build relationships here and start finding out.”

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Many adult children are growing more estranged from their older parents.

While the disconnect between grandparents and their grandkids could be for a plethora of reasons, one of the growing trends, which could explain the distance, is the fact that adult children aren’t as close with their parents anymore. According to a study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, 26% of adult children reported estrangement from fathers, while a much smaller share, 6%, had cut ties with mothers.

“I think it relates to this new desire to have healthy relationships,” explained Rin Reczek, a sociology professor and lead author of the study. “There might be some cultural shifts around people being allowed to choose who is in your family. And that can include not choosing to have the person who raised you be in your family.”

Several other surveys and studies have found that many young Americans have severed contact with parents. One in 10 adult children is usually not in contact with Mom or Dad at any given moment. Over the course of young adulthood, at least 1 in 4 Americans will break things off with a parent.

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Many parents were unhappy with the parenting coach’s advice that their kids’ behavior was linked to grandparent involvement.

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No parent wants to hear that their kids are so poorly behaved that they have become a nuisance to grandma and grandpa, and that was clearly evident in the comments on Jane’s post. She stressed, however, “When kids are allowed to be disrespectful, chaotic, and out of control, it strains relationships everywhere — including with grandparents.”

There’s no denying that kids today are exhibiting more egregious behavior than generations before. Teachers have been shouting from the rooftops of schools for years now. What exactly is to blame is hard to pinpoint. Screens, social media, gentle parenting, a lack of free time, overworked parents … the list is endless. Still, parents, in many cases, are struggling to accept their role in it.

As one parent harshly suggested, “This generation of grandparents dropped their kids off at their parents house so they didn’t have to deal with their children — they just don’t like children.” Another wisely noted, “Just looking at all of the comments is fascinating — it’s a ‘them vs us’ …… parents, grandparents, children … they are all just labels. Let’s start treating each other with dignity and respect and the world will be a much better place no matter what label you are wearing on a particular day.”  

None of the comment drama erases the fact that many grandparents feel hurt and disconnected, but this is an issue of communication. With empathy on both sides, healing can happen.

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Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.