“Mard ko dard nahi hota” — this iconic dialogue from a 1985 Amitabh Bachchan blockbuster both reflected and influenced the idea of masculinity for generations of Indians. Such stereotypical notions are often the reason men struggle with understanding and expressing their emotions. Psychologist and teen mom Vedha Bharathi tells us how parents can raise their boys not to fear tears


Don’t cry like a little girl!” The well-meaning relative’s voice from the other room echoed through the house. I rushed to that room and gently extricated my 10-year-old son from there. I was filled with trepidation — would this single phrase undo all the hard work I’d put into helping him understand his emotions? That small sentence carries a lot of meaning. It tells boys that sorrow or pain should be hidden, that only girls are allowed to show emotions and that boys are expected to be stoic and tough. Other phrases like ‘Are you a baby?’ and ‘man up’ also send similar messages, reinforcing certain notions of masculinity.

According to leading psychotherapist Lena Derhally , children who grow up with these beliefs may become adults who struggle to safely express their emotions, potentially leading to unhealthy outbursts like anger, anxiety or depression as well as relationship problems. Individuals may even turn to avoidance tactics, such as alcohol or drugs, to cope with difficult emotions. Researcher John Brownhill says such harmful beliefs manifest as “acting in” behaviours such as avoidance or emotional numbness or “acting out” behaviours such as violence and self-harm. Fortunately, there are several ways in which parents can teach their boys that emotions are normal, and that it is necessary to express what one is feeling.

What to do at home…

The ‘do as I say, not as I do’ approach does not work when it comes to emotions. Parents should not only promote healthy conversations about showing emotions, but should also follow them. Talk about your day and the feelings associated with it as a family. Say things like, “I felt sad when I saw…” or “I am excited to be part of…” etc. Make emotions part of your regular conversations. Let your child see you cry when you are sad. And, if you see your son crying, just go and hug him. Tell him in an encouraging tone, “It is okay, I understand you are feeling sad. Sometimes, crying helps relieve some of the stress we are feeling.” If you have a son and daughter, make sure you respond to their emotions and outbursts in the same manner. This helps them see that it is okay for all of us to feel sad, irrespective of our gender.

Consider putting up a ‘Periodic Table of Emotions’ poster or a mood tracker in your child’s room (see pic). These list different shades of emotions and group them into big umbrellas. For example, under ‘Happy’ it shows nuanced emotions such as hope, satisfaction, pleasure and ecstasy.

For younger children, try creating a bedtime routine where they can reflect on their day and choose an emotion to talk about. Start with the basic emotions, and then introduce new ones. For example, if your child says, ‘I am happy today because I got to eat kheer for lunch’, then you can suggest, ‘Yes dear, you are happy and you may also be satisfied’. This routine not only promotes good bedtime conversations, but also a deeper understanding of a range of emotions like gratitude, contentment, shame, or jealousy. For older children, especially teens, who value privacy and may not want to divulge how they feel so openly, let them know that you are available to talk about their feelings without judgement.

At school

As parents, we can request schools to include sessions on ‘emotional regulation’ but we cannot ensure that they implement this. A more pragmatic approach would be to bring up emotions during parent-teacher meetings. Teachers often stick to academic performance or classroom behaviour and may even have gender-specific comments like ‘Your son doesn’t get into fights and plays fair with other kids’ or ‘Your girl is very talkative in class’ etc. You can guide the conversation towards your child’s emotional experience at school. Ask specific questions like, “Is he happy with his friends?” or “Does he feel sad or left out when he is not chosen to answer?” By focusing on emotions in your questions, you can make the teacher understand that you are not looking only at behaviour, but his feelings. This will not only get you the answer you need but also encourage the teacher to notice these things and support your child’s emotional growth.

With friends

When you teach your boy to freely show his emotions, you also have to prepare him to deal with people's reactions. He may have to hear terms like “girly” and may face bullying if the friend circle comes with a different mindset. Researchers who studied children in primary and secondary school environments noted that boys might be pressured to appear ‘super-heterosexual’ and ‘macho’ in order to fit in their social circle. If your child’s friends are not supportive of displaying emotions, teach him to balance openness with self-protection. Advise him to find a safe place when he feels overwhelmed with emotion and needs time to calm himself. If the situation is too difficult to handle on his own, ask him to find a trusted adult for help.

With relatives

So what did I tell the ‘well-meaning’ relative at the start of this article? I gently explained, “Thank you for looking after my son while I was busy. I know your advice comes from a good place, but it would be better if you do not compare him to girls or other kids. If it gets too difficult to manage him when he is too emotional, please come find me and I’ll help”.

You need to pick your battles and letting go of a few battles is also an emotion that one must willingly embrace — for boys and their moms alike. And what did I tell my son? I just put on the movie ‘Inside Out’ and said, “See this movie was not there when aunty was younger. So, she does not know the importance of not bottling up one’s emotions.”