A dad admitted that he was a bit thrown off and even angry at the fact that his son was breaking the traditional marriage norm of having his fiancée take his last name. Sharing the family’s dilemma with Slate’s Dear Prudence advice column, the son’s mother claimed that her husband was being irrational about their son’s choices when it came to marrying his fiancée and questioned what she could do to make sure that he doesn’t drive a wedge in their family.

A dad was furious after learning his son plans to take his fiancée’s last name after they get married.

“My youngest son, ‘Ken,’ is getting married to a lovely woman, ‘Marie,’ in the spring and I am thrilled for him. The problem is with my husband,” the matriarch of the family began in her confessional. “Marie comes from a family with only girls (she has three sisters; her uncle has two girls), and her dad and her grandfather were rather depressed about their family name not being carried on (and yes, I know how dumb that is!)”

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She explained that Ken decided he wanted to take Marie’s last name as a way to honor her family’s legacy. Both Marie’s dad and grandfather are extremely excited about it, but she admitted that her husband, Ken’s dad, isn’t happy about the decision at all. 

A lot of the ideologies behind marriage usually don’t give women any kind of autonomy. The fact that he’s willing to take his fiancée’s last name and honor her family’s legacy is actually pretty refreshing. It’s just not something you see every day, which makes it even more meaningful. According to a Pew Research Center survey, 79% of women continue to take their husband’s surname when they get married.

An even larger majority of men don’t change their names at all. The same survey found that just 5% of men take their wife’s last name and 1% hyphenate. 

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The dad is unwilling to change his outdated view on his son taking his fiancée’s last name.

“I’ve tried explaining to him that this is Ken’s choice, plus we have two other sons who do carry our last name, but he’s still whining about it and is even derisively referring to Ken as ‘Mr. [Fiancée’s Last Name].’ What can I do to get him to shut his trap and be happy for our son?” she questioned.

While it’s understandable that Ken’s dad would feel slighted since his last name isn’t being carried on, that doesn’t mean it’s necessarily a bad thing. For generations, the idea of women taking their husband’s last name was seen as a given. It’s nice that now couples are realizing that it’s not even really about taking one person’s name, but about the values that come with marriage.

Just because he’s taking his wife’s last name doesn’t mean he’s rejecting his family by any means, either. In response to this mom’s dilemma, she was encouraged to let her husband know that being rude and dismissive toward his son and future daughter-in-law will only push them away from him altogether. At the end of the day, they’re two adults who should have the autonomy to make the decisions regarding their relationship without any input from their families, especially if that input is negative.

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Nia Tipton is a staff writer with a bachelor’s degree in creative writing and journalism who covers news and lifestyle topics that focus on psychology, relationships, and the human experience.