Motherhood is fraught with decisions and doubts. Most days are spent wondering if you’re making the right choices for your family, if there’s any milk in the fridge, when your kid’s next soccer practice is, and if you’re doing this whole mom thing right.

For moms who spend a lot of time in the carpool line, their car becomes a second home, and it’s probably giving others an idea of what kind of person they are. Judging people based on what kind of car they drive is something we all do, even if we don’t realize it. It turns out that the most important factor in determining what kind of mom someone is could be the color of her car.

There are some supposed stereotypical differences between moms who drive white and black SUVs that explain their parenting style.

It’s pretty common to see a mom who has multiple kids to transport driving an SUV, but the most revealing thing about the car might actually be the color. A mom named Savannah explained in a TikTok video that the whole “white SUV mom, black SUV mom thing has been around for years. 

She used her own mother and her mother-in-law as examples, saying that while her mom drives a black SUV, her mother-in-law drives a white SUV.

“She is very much a hostess,” she said of her mother-in-law. “Every time we’re over there, she’s making amazing homemade meals, she loves doing crafts” with Savannah’s daughter, Sophie.

“My mom, the black SUV mom, is the opposite of that,” she continued. “She would rather attend the party than host it. Instead of cooking, we did a lot of frozen meals, or we ate out.”

Savannah, who is a self-described black SUV mom herself, said that “the vibes are just different” between the two types of moms. However, she added, “One isn’t better than the other. I think it’s just a personality-based thing.”

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Most moms believe both SUV moms are needed, noting that the one that resonates most with how a mom feels is the right choice for her.

Another mom named Miranda Jane sat in the front seat of what was most likely an SUV, giving her own take on the SUV color-scheme stereotype. According to her, it has a lot to do with what your life looks like from the outside.

“Apparently, the meaning of a white SUV mom is that you’re, like, an aesthetic mom who’s, like, perfect,” she said. “Perfect hair, perfect makeup, your kids are perfect, your life is perfect, and you have a perfect white car, and your life is just perfect.”

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She added, “So, black SUV mom is apparently you’re like, the hot mess mom. You might or might not have washed your hair in a week. You’re just kinda winging it. You probably have a bunch of feral kids, you probably shop at Walmart a lot, you’re not the Target type, and you’re just drinking whatever coffee you can get your hands on, and you’re really just surviving.”

Of course, this isn’t some kind of universal rule. A third mom, Lisa Cannon, countered the stereotype that moms who drive black SUVs “shop at Walmart, have dirty cars, and are gross” by showing her own black SUV, which was sparkling clean on the outside and spotless inside.

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There’s really no way to confirm these stereotypes, and no one should feel beholden to them.

Interestingly, white cars have been proven to be the safest because of how visible they are. They’re also the easiest to clean, calling into question just how perfect a white SUV mom actually is. Black cars, on the other hand, can be a nightmare to clean. Cannon seemed to be onto something.

One woman left a comment declaring herself a “gray SUV mom” who is somewhere in the middle. “Some days aesthetic and other days, dry shampoo and Walmart,” she said. Her comment was light-hearted, yet it acknowledged a truth about parenting: Some days are more put together than others, and you’re always kind of winging it, no matter what.

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Even moms who drive white SUVs, whose lives appear seamlessly streamlined, have moments when it feels like they’re speeding, full force, toward the edge of a cliff they can’t quite see over.

Parenting itself is a wild ride, full of left turns and unexpected speed bumps. You might feel like you’ve got the whole mom thing under control, and then the next thing you know, your backseat is covered in discarded snacks, your kids are quarreling, and you’re just keeping your head above water.

No matter what color your car is, as a gray SUV gay auntie, I want to let all moms out there know that they’re doing a great job, no matter how messy their backseat is.

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Alexandra Blogier, MFA, is a writer who covers psychology, social issues, relationships, self-help topics, and human interest stories.